Listening to the Silence

For the past several years, I have always spent Holy Week with my family, either relaxing at home, or in some out-of-town or out-of-the-country destination. Just last year, we spent it in Bellarocca, an island resort in Marinduque, Philippines. The year before that, we were in Beijing, China. We would still do the usual Lenten practices (such as Bisita Iglesia, Stations of the Cross), and we would never fail to visit the churches in the area for mass or for thanksgiving for a safe trip. But as in all vacations, there will always be some activity to keep us busy, a tourist attraction to make us awestruck, or plenty of food to keep us full and happy.

This year, though, we're spending Holy Week in 2 separate places: 1/2 of my family is in Vancouver, Canada, visiting friends, while the other half (which includes me) remains here in the Philippines. The ones who remained here had different Holy Week plans: One went to Subic, one went to sleep over at a friend's house, and one spent 3-days in a Silent Retreat in Cavite.

Guess which one I was?

This is my first retreat in 5 years, and the first Silent Retreat I've had EVER. The last retreat I attended (Life's Directions) wasn't a silent one, and it definitely wasn't a choice I made on my own ("Why are you in this retreat?" "Because my mom forced me to go!"). This year, after a "flash of inspiration," I searched and scoured Google for the keywords "Holy Week 2011 Silent Retreat in Tagaytay/Baguio/Manila." After finding several options that were either fully booked already or were not open to outsiders, I was able to get accepted into Christian Life Community's (CLC) retreat in Trece Martires, Cavite (the Baguio retreat was already full...and besides, I didn't want to drive all the way up to Baguio by myself).

(Just a side-kuwento: When I told my family of my Holy Week plans, my brother jokingly said "First the birthday outreach, now this? Mag-mamadre ka ba?" My dad said "Yes!" and I immediately gave him a piercing look after. Hahaha!)

In the past, when I would hear stories about how my parents or my friends would go to a "silent retreat," I'd say to myself that I can never ever do something like that; I didn't think I could stand being so silent for so long. I mean, I'm not a talkative person, but I'm also not too serious. Little did I know that I would yearn for silence; that there will come a time in my life when I will go looking for a chance to slow down and reflect. This past year has been a flurry of changes and strenuous thinking/feeling, so I guess I needed to recharge and reconnect (with myself and with God).

I didn't have any plans of writing/blogging about my retreat experience, as it was a very personal journey for me (and there is just TOO MUCH to say about it; I am overflowing with "aha moments."). But this morning, as I returned to the daily grind, I was struck by a song playing on my iPod -- I guess in the noise and stress of my life, the only way God can really have Himself be heard over the din is through the music I listen to.

This song tells us about the two most difficult (and when you think about it, very different from each other) tasks that God is always asking us to do: "Wait" and "Let go." This song sums up everything that I've realized over the retreat: God's message to me to patiently wait, to keep the faith, to continue on hoping, and to be grateful. I've heard more in this silence than I've ever had amidst all the noise.

My journey of self-discovery continues, but I know that when I reach the apex, I will not be disappointed.

"...and as I wait, I will rise up like the eagle."

* * * *

Enough To Let Me Go

by Switchfoot

Oh

I'm a wandering soul

I'm still walking the line that leads me home

Alone

All I know

I still got mountains to climb

On my own

On my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through

To let me fall for you, my love

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter

Back from the dead and all our leaves are dry

You're so beautiful tonight

Back from the dead we went through

Back from the dead and both our tongues are tied

You look beautiful tonight

But every seed dies before it grows

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through

To let me fall for you

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Breathe it in

And let it go

Every breath you take is not yours to own

It's not yours to hold

Do you love me enough to let me go?

The Art of Waiting

One of my pet peeves is being made to wait. When I make a business appointment or a date with someone, I make it a point to be on time. I can't claim to be on time ALL THE TIME, but I expect some amount of effort from the person I am meeting to make it to the meeting place at a reasonable time (10-15 minutes late is still tolerable). I guess this stems from the fact that I am uncomfortable being by myself in public places (an exception is when I have my laptop with me, or a good book...then I can stay in a coffee shop by myself for hours). My worst experience was when I was made to wait for 2 hours (you know who you are, Diane. HAHAHA).

However, given this pet peeve of mine, I consider myself to be a pretty patient person in "other" aspects (maybe to the point of being naive, yeah?). Sometimes I think I have *too much* faith in people: I wait for them to reach the potential which I assume is there; I wait for them to prove me right; I wait for them to come back; I wait for them to arrive.

And more often than not, I wait too long.

Well, fortunately (for me), for the past few months, I've mastered the art of being alone. And with this new-found skill, I've realized that waiting doesn't mean that I have to be stationary or stagnant. Waiting means that I can go on at my own pace. It means going full-speed ahead towards the direction I wish to take, and hoping (crossing my fingers), that no matter how fast and far I'm going, someone out there has the sense (and the heart) to catch up with me. Someday. :)

All systems go. I still have a lot of ground to cover. Cannot afford to wait around for the slow ones.

* * * *

Wait
by Get Set Go

Wait, wait for the dawn my dear
Wait till the sun gets here
And you will wait too long he will be gone
Wait, wait till the sun shines through
Wait till the sky is blue
And you will wait too long he will be gone, he will be gone

Ooh, he will be gone
Ooh, he will be gone

Wait, wait till the signs are right
Wait till the perfect time
And you will wait too long he will be gone, he will be gone

Ooh, he will be gone
Ooh, he will be gone

La la la la la ...

Wait till you don't doubt no more
Wait till you know for sure
And you will wait too long he will be gone now