Friday, August 24, 2012

The Alien that is the Single Lady

So it has come to this: I have gone past the stage of attending weddings of friends and becoming a godmother to their babies...I have reached the "children party stage," and believe me, when you're a single lady (or maybe a single guy), it is not the funnest stage to be in.

Being used to transitioning from wallflower to partyphile, I thought it would be easy enough to blend in to the children's party crowd -- as easily as I can blend in with the crowd of Prive or Relik on a Friday night. But no, in a children's party, a single lady sticks out like a sore thumb.

There's the fact that she comes into the venue all by herself (usually about an hour late), and there's also the way she moves (slow and a bit hesitant, which can be attributed to the culture shock of entering a different planet -- details to be discussed later), what she wears (wrinkle-free sundress, Gucci shades, a stylish leather handbag), and the expression on her face when encountering little people running around with spaghetti sauce and/or chocolate sauce on their faces (a little bit of fear and uncertainty).

It's also very easy to spot the "single ladies" table in a children's party. Sure, there are other tables full of females within the venue: some are mommy tables, others are yaya tables, but there is almost always one lone "single ladies" table. This is the table usually occupied by the celebrant's mom's high school / college friends. It's the table in the room with the least number of items on it. Mommy/yaya tables are piled on with diaper bags, toys, candy wrappers, or plates of unfinished food (they belong either to the kids, who are too busy playing with their cousins or new-found playmates to eat; or to the mommies/yayas, who are too busy running after their kids to eat). The occupants of the "single ladies" table are all looking at each other or at the center of the table, whereas the occupants of the mommy/yaya tables are all looking at a far off point, trying to track the top of the heads of their charges.

If you try to listen in on a conversation at a "single ladies" table, you'll hear the words/phrases including, but not limited to: "are you dating anybody?" "just got promoted," "single by choice," "men are jerks," "journey of self-discovery," "too busy with work," and "expiration date."

Part of the reason why the single ladies are intently staring at the center of the table instead of looking at their surroundings is that the children's party planet is a strange planet to be in (for a single lady). Its citizens are composed of 3 main types: The children (of course), the kings and queens of this planet, clearly dominate, with their loud voices (screaming, crying, shrieking) and their ability to occupy the space with their high energy levels. The haggard women (the mommies), with disheveled ponytails and wearing Skecher's Shape-Ups, wiping snot off of their kids' faces or rummaging through their big bag ala-Mary Poppins, searching for the "Bring Me" item that will help their children win the game. The last type is the most baffling of all: middle-aged men (the daddies) in walking shorts and trainers, carrying little babies or tugging toddlers by their kiddie leashes. It's a bit disconcerting to see men who are supposedly from my generation (late twenties to mid-thirties), sporting daddy bellies, talking about daddy topics (stocks, SUVs, weekend bike groups, etc.), and doing daddy tasks.

This is baffling because in the single ladies' world, single men her age -- although having the children's party mentality -- are acting more like the children rather than the adults: they think they are kings in their world ("I work hard, I party harder!"), and they let the women chase them around ("I will do whatever I want, you can't stop me!"). You will rarely see a single man in a children's party, which is why the single lady sticks out even more so.

Yes, the single lady is an alien in the children's party planet, but here are some suggestions on how to blend in:

1. Be the Cool Auntie: be that lady who gives the birthday celebrant the cool toy his/her parents refuse to give; the one who sneaks in a wad of cash into their little, pudgy hands; the one who tells them "Yeah, your mom is baduy, even back in high school. If she doesn't allow you to go to parties when you're older, call me for advice."

2. Be the Wannabe-Mommy / Yaya-for-a-Day:  Volunteer to take your friends' kids off of their hands. Carry the baby, put the toddler on your lap, look after the little tykes when they're playing on the jungle gym. Make googly eyes and gurgly noises at babies in their strollers, baby talk with 4-year-olds when they're staring up at you like you're insane, (gently) reprimand the naughty 6-year-olds for running too fast, or for not finishing their food. ** Note: this is only effective if you like kids. Stay away from this tactic if you have the tendency to lose your temper at little people.

3. Be the Fun Provider: If you really want to be accepted into a different crowd, isn't popularity the best/easiest way in? And to be accepted into the tough, picky crowd of children party kids, you have to be able to provide them with something fun. Be the one who hosts the games, or at least, be the distributor of prizes (isn't it a precious sight to see wee ones looking up at you, their arms outstretched, waiting for you to hand them their bag of loot?); volunteer to slice up the birthday cake; if you have a special talent of making animals out of balloons, then give the kids some balloon dogs and cats! You can also volunteer to do face painting (no drawing skills required: how hard is it to draw rainbows, whiskers, and dog noses on a kid's face?).

** Note: All of the above is best enacted with your best I'm-a-grown-up-talking-to-a-kid voice, the kind that lilts at the end of each sentence.

So, to all the single ladies out there: put your hands up! You may be the odd one out in such family-centered events, but that doesn't mean you should be ashamed of your solo status. Just be grateful that you are able to enter a planet of fun and games, where you are allowed to eat hotdogs and marshmallows and sweet spaghetti! Be happy that you are able to sit back and observe a world that you may or may not participate in in the near/far future. Be relieved that you don't have to be the "responsible one," even for just a few hours.

Yes, the children's party planet is a strange and different world, but the single ladies' world is a place that's mysterious and fun. Enjoy it while you can. Soon enough, you're going to be part of the children's party planet. And once you're there, there is no turning back.