Gusto Ko To!

I haven't been feeling very nice these past few weeks (the whole of February to be exact). I dunno why I'm so irritable/depressed/moody/sensitive for this month. I'm assuming I'm experiencing what's called the "Birthday Blues" -- also known as the condition that one acquires when one expects too much from other people. Bad. Very bad. :(

Since I've started on a selfish note, let me pull out all the stops and blatantly list down what I want for my birthday. Time to look greedy. Whoopee.

My Birthday Wishlist

(In no particular order...)

• Laptop bag (for a 15" laptop). Hopefully with padding and lots of pockets (to contain my mouse, power cord, etc.) Preferrably white, khaki or army green.
• Silent Sanctuary's new album. Niiice. :)
• Cool shades for summer! (My sister knows the style I like...Parang classic Chanel sunglasses).
• Silver/Silver-gold necklage with a nice pendant ("L," "Les," or a cute symbol - gem accents are very much welcome).
• A nice thumb ring. Or any sort of finger ring, as long as it's not a wedding ring (hehe. Not yet, anyway). Something I can wear everyday.
• Graphic tee from Team Manila (I'm size Medium-Large).
• Bench tee w/ the words "dedma" printed in front (White shirt w/ red letters). I've seen this shirt once, 3 years ago. On sale at that museum near BSP along Roxas Blvd. Hehe.
• Nice bikini for summer (*ehem* Calling on my seastarr).
• Body Shop Cheek Tint and those Bronzer Balls (is that what they're called? Panget pakinggan eh. Hehe).
• Whipped foundation.
• Digital Camera (Canon Digital Ixus, please)!
• iPod Video or iPod Nano. My iPod is dead. I need a new one. :(
• New jeans (yung hindi bitin).
• Brown flip-flops -- este -- tsinelas. (I'm size 8 1/2 to 9)
• Black/white sandals. 1-2 inch heels; bagay sa kahit ano.
• Messenger boy cap (army green or khaki).
• Trip to Boracay. Or Hong Kong.
• A pug puppy. Can anyone give me a dog to love? :(
• Beanie babies.
• And don't get me started on the books I want. It warrants a separate (and very long) blog entry. Just let me loose inside a Fully Booked store (with an appropriate amount of cash). Thank you very much.
• A nice, sweet, well-thought of surprise. Surprise me. Please. I need to cry happy tears for a change. This Birthday Blues thing has taken my tear ducts hostage.

The Holiday

"I have found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said, "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought.

I love this movie.

Yes, it's all about losing love, finding it in the end, and laughing and crying about it in between. Great characters. Great lines. I. LOVED. IT.

Kate Winslet's character made being tragic look so good. Hearing her spiel (see below) gave me a heart achy feeling because everything she said was so true. Being so dramatic, so tragic, and heartbroken is so romantic, it made me miss feeling that way.

Hah. Not really. Not quite. :D

"It doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. and how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. and you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade."

Ack! I bet everyone (well, every girl - including me - at least) in that movie theater thought of that as their line. I'm sure you, my dear reader, are thinking that it's your line, too.

Weirdly enough, the nice thing about being so tragic and heartbroken, is the pain. It's the kind of pain that wrenches your gut, squeezes your heart, and makes you hurt in places that you never knew existed within you. I was addicted to that kind of pain, once. I was afraid to move on and let go of it because it consumed me for so long that I forgot how to be myself without it. I held on to the feeling of it, because it made me feel real -- just like how being in love makes you feel alive, pain has this uncanny way of reminding you that you exist.

Jude Law's character is a lot like Hugh Jackman's character in Kate and Leopold: a man that cannot possibly exist! He's good-looking, charming, bookish and intelligent, sensitive (how cute is it that he's a weeper? Haha) and he has s British accent. He's that and a lot of other things (I can't disclose everything as it will spoil the movie for you). An excerpt from a review of The Holiday: "The main draw to the film is the chemistry between the stars. Diaz and Law are so cute together you realize it really is a fantasy, but you want to believe it, because it feels good." Ahhh. So TRUE.

There are so many things in life that you want to believe just because they make you feel so good (love, of course, is the most obvious example). Some even force themselves to believe it, even when it starts to hurt -- because they so desperately want to go back to the time when it felt good.

"Because you're hoping you're wrong. And every time she does something that tells you she's no good, you ignore it. And every time she comes through and surprises you, she wins you over, and you lose that argument with yourself, that she's not for you."

*sigh* This is me being sappy. :)

I want a DVD just so I can watch it over and over again (without paying 120 bucks. Haha), and so I can hear those amazing lines. Somebody give me the complete script! Ahhh! :)

You Wouldn't Like Me Today

Everybody's been acting really pissy towards me today, and I am so sick of it.

Aaaaarrrrggghhh. *sigh* :'(

Random depressing thoughts:

· People assume that I will react in a certain way, that I am thinking of a certain thought, or that I am feeling a certain way, and all of that assuming undermines my real emotions, my real thoughts and my real actions. I know that I am a predictable person, and that my emotions are so easy to read, but I wish people would just have faith that I can go beyond what they perceive I am capable of.

· When you know a person so well, it's often hard to have faith in them, not because you don't trust them to do the right thing, but because you are so used to them doing just the opposite.

· I sometimes wish that I weren’t an adult, just so I could give up on things, and people wouldn’t think that I have shirked my responsibilities.

· I am absorbing so much negativity from the people around me that my heart feels like it's bleeding itself to death.

· I really wish I could tell my boss that I don't feel like going to work tomorrow because I'm emotionally drained, among other things. "Sir, di po ako papasok bukas. Gusto ko kasi magmukmok sa bahay."

* * * *

Ano ba. Hindi naman full moon. It’s not that time of the month. Then why do I feel so "dark and twisty?" :( Yuck. I think I'm channeling Meredith Grey. Hehe.

Feeling angry.confused.guilty.tired.sad. :(

Standing Up Straight

Yesterday I skipped worked to get my spine aligned. 3 hours of a therapist pushing and prodding my vertebra into the center.

Turns out that my left pelvic bone was misaligned, and my spine had a small curvature (it looked like the letter 'C.' Ugh. Nasty). And my legs weren't aligned. My right leg was longer than the left by 3 centimeters.

It was pretty cool...and effective, I think. My posture has improved considerably. Before this session, I couldn't keep my back straight while sitting or standing. Now, it actually hurts to try to hunch over. Ok, so my back isn't straight as a rod yet, but I don't hunch as much as before. 2 centimeters lang, at most. Hehe. And my legs are now perfectly aligned. So I'm genuinly 5'6" on both feet. Haha.

The annoying thing is, I have to sleep on my back as much as possible, or else my spine will just go back to how it was. I had to quell my urge to roll over and hug my pillow (I sleep in the fetal position). Argh. And I have to refrain from crossing my legs.

I have to do some self-help exercises here at home, and I have to go back for a maintenance session. But it was worth it, I think. There's some slight discomfort, but the spino-therapist said that my bone and muscles are still getting used to this new arrangement. Yeah. Me too. Hehe.