I'll be the first one to admit that the "dedma lang" persona I try to preach is all a hoax. I don't even have to say it: my friends know me well enough to confidently say that I never have, and never will be, "dedma." They say that it's a good thing, since being cold or aloof isn't really my style (I think the soft voice and the demure *kuno* smile gives me away). They say that I should extoll my traits of good-naturedness.
Sometimes, though, I feel like being too goody-goody is making me break.
I possess two traits that give me a disadvantage in this dog-eat-dog world: being Over-Sensitive and being Over-Analytical. One separate from the other isn't too bad. One PAIRED with the other is overkill. I torture myself by thinking too much AND feeling too much. The result is not pretty (a mixture of paranoia and neurosis)...and it's torture.
I get hurt by the littlest, most mababaw things...as mababaw as receiving a dumb text message without a *smiley.* Sometimes I get a good laugh afterwards, upon realizing how silly I'm being. Often, I get scarred for life, and I compensate by trying to please everyone, for fear that I might get rejected or criticized again. I try hard not to care, to stop myself from being hurt, hence the mantra "dedma lang."
But it never works. I don't think I'm meant to override my programming. :p
It just saddens me to think that the saying "Good guys finish last," might actually be true, especially at this day and age. Being so "good" is not necessarily a good thing anymore. Sometimes, it actually equates to being a wuss, a geek or a freak...
Sometimes it means getting hurt (yes, even by the littlest things), over and over and over and over again.
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Do you mean you can't stifle the urge to react to a situation or to "make things right" when you feel that there is something wrong? Just curious lang hija.
ReplyDelete:)
Which is basically why you have someone who complements you in more ways than one. You have someone who will take care of all the aloofness, deadma lang-ness, angasness, dont-give-a-shitness, who will always be there to protect you, whether you're wrong or you're right. Someone who makes life a bit easier by just being therer by "softening the blows" and "making some in return" for you. :) And that person does it coz' he loves you so. :) Maw.
ReplyDeleteForgive me for giving such replies to your posts, haha. But anyways, I totally relate to this one. (especially about the smileys in text messages, wahahahaha)
ReplyDeleteBut I guess there should be times that you have this gut feeling and finally veer away from being miss goddy-two-shoes and bring out the maldita in you. I practice it once in a while. Sometimes I feel guilty after but sometimes I enjoy it too :D