Why graduation, not Christmas, is the most wonderful time of the year

What is it about commencement addresses? They are supposedly meant for the graduates, but more often than not, "other people" are struck by the words, and they are passed on from one inbox to the other (or from Facebook wall to Facebook wall).

"Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)" is a piece of music by Baz Luhrmann that has often been attributed (and erroneously so) to a commencement speech by author Kurt Vonnegut. In reality, it was based on an essay by Mary Schmich, published in the Chicago Tribune. When I listen to the song, though (I am listening to it now as I type this), I cannot help but imagine a sea of eager faces, turned towards the podium, at the commencement speaker. One cannot help but imagine it being addressed to the graduating class of '97, or any other graduating class for that matter. 

Because, let's face it: where/when else will advice be so freely given and accepted whole-heartedly? And where else can you find a whole bunch of hearts more open and willing to accept anything than in a graduation ceremony?

It is a nostalgic, romantic idea - the idea of graduation. It's the perfect example of "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." (again, my references are songs. Shows you how attached I am to my iPod haha). The idea of graduating is something that anybody can relate to: undergraduates hope for it, yuppies reminisce about it, married people dream about it for their kids, grandparents look forward to seeing their grandkids experience it (they look forward to nudging their seat mate  - sometimes even turning around in their seats - and proclaiming: "Apo ko yun!"). 

Everybody can relate to graduation because it represents a hope for a better future, a feeling of accomplishment, a bittersweet feeling of hello and goodbye. What other event can excite and scare you to death simultaneously? What other event makes you feel nothing but love for the friends and classmates that you swore you were going to kill only a few months before (most probably during thesis time)? 

Excitement. Anxiety. Hope. Forgiveness. Love. Nostalgia. Pride. Relief. Gratitude. INSPIRATION. All of THAT in a ceremony that basically just hands you a piece of parchment paper. Value for your money right there. Can you even replicate that unique combination of feelings / emotions that you experience during graduation? NEVER. It's once in a lifetime, and that feeling will change you forever. 

And maybe that's why I always feel exhilarated-slash-sentimental during the graduation ceremonies of any of my siblings. And maybe that's why I am (secretly) looking forward to 2011, because it will be my turn again. And maybe that's why some people like to study again (and again and again): it's not because they want to learn more, or because they want to get promoted; it's because they want to feel that unique mix of happy-sad emotions upon graduating.

Yup. I think I just solved the mystery.

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The  article below has gone viral on Facebook just this morning. It's a commencement address for a Singaporean university. I read it this morning and was inspired to write this blog entry on the beauty of graduation. Hurray for inspiration. :)

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Written by Adrian Tan, author of The Teenage Textbook (1988), was the guest-of-honour at a recent NTU convocation ceremony. This was his speech to the graduating class of 2008.
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I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan “Arbeit macht frei” was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energize you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.
You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone

Chris Tiu's day out

Ahhh, the perks of being a woman in the construction site: you get to fawn all over Chris Tiu. :)

Sir Frizan, Discovery Primea's project manager already told us the day before yesterday that we were going to have basketball superstar, Chris Tiu, visit the office. Why he was visiting, I never really did find out. But suffice it to say, I arrived early at the site on the day of the visit.

When I would usually come in to work with hair still wet from the shower, and my eyes still bleary from lack of sleep, yesterday I was fresh, polished, and made up (but subtly, para hindi naman trying hard. Eyeliner lang haha). Can't really do much to glamorize a girl in a Datem uniform, but I did my best not to look plain. :))

I love being a fan girl. The giddyness and the kilig-ness gives smiling power that lasts me for days. :)

He really stood out. I mean, he was in a construction site where all the site engineers are dark-skinned from being out in the sun for too long. And his arms were nice. I'm a sucker for nicely toned arms. *giddy smile* :)

Sana next time si John Lloyd Cruz naman mag site visit, so I can throw "One More Chance" lines at him, Bea-the-architect style. :))

Kunwari candid. :D

Fan girl mode. :)

Fan girl mode 2

Aaaah guwapo niya dito. ♥

Chris Tiu signing my hard hat. :D

The Top Ten Happiest/Saddest Quotes - from the RX Morning Rush

I love the RX Morning Rush. Chico and Delamar make my mornings unique every time. :)

I'm too busy to listen to the whole stretch, usually (6 a.m. - 10 a.m.), so I sometimes download the podcasts at http://cdtop10.blogspot.com/

And of course, I follow Chico's blog (http://chicogarcia.wordpress.com/). Sometimes the written entries are also very funny, and I am often caught looking like a fool, laughing by myself at the office. :))

This was posted just today, and I have only read a couple of entries before I decided that this was a Top 10 that I like. :) Worth reposting. I'll highlight my favorites. :)

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July 31, 2009 → The Top Ten Happiest/Saddest Quotes – Sent in by: Astroboy

1. Amber – “The best feeling in the world is realizing you’re perfectly happy without the thing you thought you needed.
2. Charmed - “Smile! You don’t own all the problems in the world. Some of them are mine.”
3. Infrared – “Shared sorrow is half sorrow. Shared joy is double joy.
4. Mrs. G – “With both happiness and sadness, applies the saying, ‘This too shall pass’.”
5. Honeybunch – “Don’t tell everyone about your troubles. Half of them don’t care, and the other half are thanking their stars that it happened to you.”
6. Merski – “If you can’t find a happy ending, get a new beginning instead.”
7. Kitt/Myrrdian – “Forgetting something you’re supposed to remember is nothing compared to remembering something you’re supposed to forget.”
8. Wandering Eneri – “The downsize of getting what you’ve always wanted, is having something that would be painful to lose.”
9. Horcrux – “You won’t find someone who will never hurt you. Instead, find someone who is worth the pain.”
10. Hoyz – “Ang mabigat ay gumagaan kapag binitawan.”
11. Blutots - “The sad situation is not the discovery that my prince is committed to someone else. What’s truly pathetic is how I try to snatch the princess role for myself. When really, I am just the wicked witch who gets in the way.”
12. Drandran – “With time, looking back at tears can make you laugh, and looking back at at laughter can make you cry.”
13. Buchoy and Betchay – “We can do anything, but not everything.”
14. Radiance – “Success is getting what u want; happiness is wanting what u get.”
15. The TWO-ng/Honeybunch – “It’s sad to see someone you know turn into someone you used to know.”
16. Debbie – “Being broken-hearted is like having a broken pair of ribs; on the outside it looks like there’s nothing wrong, but every breath hurts.”
17. AyemMahyo – “The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality.”
18. KathyPie05 – “For once, I’d like to find someone who’s afraid to lose me.” (WINNER!)
19. Raquel – “We always give our hearts to those who care for them the least.”
20. Boknoi – “Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy.”
21. Boknoi – “The vitamin that’s the key to be happy is B1.”
22. Cheryll – “When love is short, forgetting is long.”
23. KiD BuKid – “A useless life is an early death.”
24. Palaweña – “The saddest goodbye, is the unspoken one.”
25. Eien17 – “When thinking of giving up, think first of the reasons why you’ve held on for so long.”
26. No name – “The term ‘cool off’ translates to ‘I want somebody else, but I want to keep you as an option’.”
27. Awi – “The saddest part of walking away, is knowing you won’t be chasing after me.” (3RD PLACE)
28. Doraemon – “One of the hardest lessons in life is knowing when to hold on and when to let go.”
29. Iminlikewithyou – “Death is life’s way of saying, “you’re fired!” Suicide is your way of saying, “I quit.”
30. Blitzkrieg – “Loneliness knows me by name.”
31. Carisa – “Those who forget, don’t matter. But those who matter, don’t forget.”
32. Jarod Kelanen – “Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.”
33. Eien17 – “As I look up watching the balloon fly away, there’s an ice cream melting in my hand.”
34. Eien17 – “No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is not saying.”
35. Eien17 – “Sometimes, fate draws two lovers together for the sole purpose to later tear them apart.”
36. Basha – “Sometimes the hardest person to get over is the one you never had.”
37. Awi – “Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked with anyone else.” (2ND PLACE. So optimistic. Hopeless romantic me likes this!)
38. No name – “I’m so sad because I wanna be happy so bad.”
39. MistyBoi – “The greatest enemy of present happiness is past happiness too well remembered.”

How To Use Your Pain to Achieve Great Success

I subscribed to Bo Sanchez's newsletter a few months ago, due to prodding from a friend. She says his insights brought her a great deal of comfort, and comfort is really what I need right now.

I've been receiving his newsletters for a few months now, but I was never really interested enough to read any of them. Up till now. I mean, how can you resist a subject heading that says: How To Use Your Pain To Achieve Great Success?

Pain? I had a lot of that. Great Success? I want that.

And so I read the email.

Here are a few excerpts that struck me the most:

Pain is fuel.

But like real fuel, it can do two things.

Fuel can catch a spark and explode, destroying everything around it. Or it can be harnessed in an engine and power a rocket to the moon.

What am I saying? Pain can destroy you or develop you.

It depends on how you respond to your pain.

If you respond with faith, pain can be the inner driving force that can change your life. Pain can be your fuel to rocket your launch to success.

Right now, you may be experiencing a lot of pain.

Perhaps your family life is a mess.

Perhaps your job situation is very tough.

Perhaps you always have no money.

Friend, this is not the end of your story.

You can overcome.

You can rise above your problems.

You can use your pain and make it fuel for you to succeed in life. You can rocket your way out of your pain and into prosperity.

I know this all sounds very preachy (since the words did come from a preacher's mouth), but the underlying message is that everybody experiences pain; everybody has different reactions to it. I guess I've realized that although having other people believe in you can fuel you to do great things, the push really has to come from within.

And I just want to clarify, that demanding / expecting is very different from believing. When you let down someone who demands or expects something from you, you disappoint that person; but when you let down someone who believes in you, you disappoint yourself.

I guess what I'm saying is that faith is never really wasted on anyone, regardless of whether they follow through or not. The real disappoint comes from failing yourself, from failing to push yourself to do what you are supposed to do.

Only now am I realizing that I've had the fire to succeed all along. I was waiting for other people to acknowledge me, to validate my role, to pat me on the back, to say "Congrats! You're awesome!"

I don't need to wait for that. :)

So why am I still blogging now? Haha. Onward! Let's make it work!

Happy 22nd Birthday, Seastarr!

To my sungit seastarr, Larissa: Happy 22nd birthday! :)

Tanda mo na.

Magtrabaho ka na para ikaw naman bumili ng damit natin (ok, fine, just kidding. I know you've bought a lot of *our* clothes already).

I wish that you will be happy and satisfied with love, work, and life in general. :)

Thank you for downloading all our shows so we can have seastarr bonding sessions over Project Runway, America's Next Top Model and Glee. :) When I'm done with seasons 1-5, we can start bonding over How I Met Your Mother next (may season 6 ba?).

Look at my birthday greeting for you 3 years ago! :) It's like déjà vu. :P Same circumstances pa (well, for me, anyway). Maybe in 6 days, the same thing will happen, tamang-tama, holiday. Haha. :)

I love you!

The Heart of Life

Girl: "It hurts when I smile."
Dentist: "I can fix that."

Hmm. Ok, it sounds kind of creepy when said out of context. But when you see the scene in the movie where this was said (Ghost Town), it was kind of sweet.

To emphasize the moment, the song "The Heart of Life" by John Mayer starts playing in the background. :)

I've never heard this song before tonight, but I was intrigued immediately (again, the lyrics called out to me), and so I have it on repeat in my iPod. :)

I hate to see you cry

Lying there in that position

There's things you need to hear

So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

No, it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new

Bad news never had good timing

Then the circle of your friends

Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

No, it won't all go the way it should

But I know the heart of life is good

(Whistle Interlude)

Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

Fear is a friend who's misunderstood

But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

Wow. I've written 3 blog entries today that preached hope, faith and goodness. I feel like Rainbow Brite on uppers (Too many colors. Too bright. Too fake. Hurts my eyes. Ow) I think I started the day off with a sober note, escalated into preachy mode, crashed back into hopelessness, and now capping the day off with something mellow.

Yup. The heart of life is good. I know it's good.

Good Guys Don't (Always) Finish Last

I read this article and was touched: "A Victim Treats His Mugger Right."

It's about being kind to everybody you encounter in your everyday life. It's a bit crazy (and kind of hard to do), but it just says that everybody in the world deserves to be treated fairly.

I've been disillusioned so many times in my life that I've begun to question the justice in this world. I think I'm a good person; I think I do not harm people intentionally; how come my luck seems to run out on things that I consider to be important to me?

I remember having a discussion with a close friend of mine who was having marital problems.
How come the 2 of us - the good girls in the group, the girls who worked overtime, made their parents proud, were good girlfriends (subjectively, I think), went to Church, etc. - how come we were the ones with sucky love lives and broken hearts?

Maybe "Karma" or universal justice is overrated (or a lie that is said to hopeless romantics like me). Maybe it isn't about "deserving" a happy ending.

This quote explains it all: "Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting a bull not to attack because you are a vegetarian." - Dennis Wholy

BUT (yes, it has to be capitalized), even if goodness does not beget goodness, it doesn't give anybody an excuse to be bad. I was lamenting about this before: If goodness / kindness doesn't matter, if you get kicked into the gutter anyway, why waste time being good? Why not be a bitch and enjoy life's gifts anyway?

I found a blog entry of mine from waaaay back (back when I was still on blurty.com), and it perfectly discusses what I want to say:

I'm not exactly the person you should ask about lessons on being nice...far from it, actually. I'm not saying I'm a bitch. Hmmm..But I can be, come to think of it. Actually, I believe that all women have a secret bitchiness that is brought out by certain things.

Through the years, I've become really disillusioned about my public image. Back in gs and hs, I always believed that I was a "nice," "good-natured" person who meant people no harm. I was the girl who just sat quietly, and smiled at you as you pass. I could never say no to favors asked by friends. That may get me labelled as gullible sometimes, but for me, I was just "trusting." I still have good intentions when it comes to dealing with other people...but I think the bad side of Lesley has begun to rear it's ugly, bitchy head. Out goes nice, friendly, and sweet. In comes angsty, irritated and sardonic. (Author's Note 2010: I don't know what phase of my life this was when I wrote this entry, but I guess I was in a bitchy/bitter phase. Haha).

And then Legally Blonde comes along (Author's Note 2010: Yeah, this blurty entry was about Legally Blonde. Haha. Trust me to find some sort of learning in a chickflick). Some people think it's a brainless movie. Leave your brain at the door, just watch and have a good time. But even if Elle does project an image that says "Take me lightly," her character and the way she handles her relationships, actually say "Learn from me." I realized that being nice isn't a personality trait that you acquire from genes or whatever DNA is floating around in your system. Being nice is a lot like being happy...it's a choice. You either choose to make people happy by being good to them, or choose to annoy people with your I-think-I'm-above-you-you-don't-deserve-my-kindness attitude. Elle always chooses to be happy, by being nice to the people around her.

We should all take a page from her book. 

She gets criticized, laughed at and discriminated against, yet she faces these people with a smile and a trusting heart. "You just have to have faith in people." Is she merely naive? Too innocent? Too trusting? Overly optimistic? After all, who in their right mind would still dance on the sunny side of the street when there is a threat of jaded, pessimistic people jumping at the chance to trample you once you cross the line? 

The amazing thing is, she is aware of these risks. But she still chooses the sunny side because she has faith that there is some good in all people. AND she has enough faith in herself to believe that she has what it takes to bring out that good.

My point is, good guys get hurt, but it is not because the universe wants to punish them. Good guys get hurt because they are naturally trusting, have more open arms (and hearts), and are therefore, more susceptible to pain.

I know I am guilty of allowing hatred and anger to rule my heart. Just this week, I have probably hurt a lot of people because of my words and actions. I may regret it now, but I know that I cannot take it back; I cannot change the past. But I realize that the negative emotions need to be felt, in order for the positive emotions to be appreciated.

It's a long shot to expect other people to treat you fairly all the time, even when all you put out is love and rainbows and hearts and smiles; sometimes good guys DO finish last. The important thing to remember, I guess, is to always have hope (or faith? I interchange these 2 sometimes) that you will soon get what you give. You will soon receive kindness. You will soon receive compassion. You will soon receive consideration. You will soon receive respect. You will soon receive love.

The important thing is to rid your heart of hatred and anger so that these good things will have room inside, once the time comes.

"I figure, you know, if you treat people right, you can only hope that they treat you right. It's as simple as it gets in this complicated world."

Shared Grief

Just this past Sunday, I woke up with a heavy feeling in my heart, as if a huge rock was pressing against my chest. I stayed inside my room most of the day, as I did not want to share my grief with my family. I felt too ashamed, defeated and worthless (and very dramatic, obviously), and I didn't want my parents to worry about me too much.

I had to come out some time, though, and when my dad told me to get ready for mass, I hid my face behind my hair (which now falls down below my shoulders! Hurrah!) and made a quick run for the bathroom. Before I could "escape," though, he told me to go give my mom a hug, to comfort her. Her best friend died of a heart attack earlier that day.

When I went to her, I could see immediately that her heart was broken, and so I gave her a big hug and broke down immediately when she started crying. Maybe it was because it was an excuse to cry in front of her; maybe it was because I was heartbroken too; or maybe it was because we both shared the same grief.

We both lost a part of us that day: a dear friend, a part of our hearts, a memory, the future that could-be, a love, a part of our lives that can never be taken back.

When I cried my heart out to her, she didn't know what was hurting me; she just let me cry with her, knowing that letting out the tears will make us feel better, whatever it is that may cause us pain. I guess, in some way, she felt that my sobs were more than just empathic ones. I guess moms really have an intuition when it comes to their children. And so, I felt that when she hugged me back, it was more than just a hug of gratitude: she was grieving for my loss too.

* * * *

I think it's still too early to tell if I'm already okay. The heavy feeling is still in my chest, as if my heart has been replaced by an iron fist. But what I've learned from all of this is that, although I inherited my dad's looks and his disposition, I inherited my mom's trusting heart. Like her, I have a hopeful heart, a forgiving heart. I may have wanted to rip it out a few days back, berating myself for being too trusting. But now, I accept that it is a gift, and it is who I am.

It is a blessing, having a hopeful heart. It means that although it is capable of feeling grief, pain and sadness, it is also resilient enough to hope again, to have faith in the things that matter. And isn't that what feeds the heart? Isn't that what makes everything okay again?

A little bit of hope.

A little bit of faith.

Lunch Out

Being a supervisor is a lonely job, especially during lunch time. :( I don't have anybody to have lunch with, because most of my staff would rather have lunch in their respective groups. When we eat lunch here in the office, I usually sit with them and join in on their conversations. But when I decide to have lunch outside, I usually do it alone. It's hard to invite other people, especially when I do personal errands, because I don't want to impose on them, lest they plan to spend lunch break just resting.

I had to do some errands in Glorietta today, so I set out for the mall by myself.

Some random thoughts during my lunch break spent outside of the office:

• (While sitting by myself at Glorietta 4 Food Choices) Gad, the people who are eating at a table by themselves sure look like losers. Why are they alone? Don't they have any friends? (poignant pause) Uh. Wait. I'm one of them! A loner having siomai rice toppings, eating alone at a food court table! I feel like such a loooooseeeerrrr. :(( The siomai is pretty good, though. :)

• An old couple is having lunch together at the table near mine...and they're both just playing/texting/surfing on their Blackberries. :)) Lola & lolo techie!

• (While washing my hands in the Ladies' rest room, the lens of the sunglasses I was wearing on my head fell onto the counter) "Oh no, my shades broke. My 3-year old Nine West shades are dead. :(( I need to buy a new pair soon..." Ok, I lie. The first thought that actually came into my head was: "Yuck, nakakahiya, wa-poise, feeling cool pero sira naman pala shades."

• (While looking around at the Ramp by Crossings) I need a new laptop bag. Is this a laptop bag or just a really big purse? Oh wait, ang cute ng shirt na yun. Oooh, nice heels. Wow, that beige gown is gorgeous, don't I have a wedding to attend sometime in the near future? No? Ok, time to go (walks out of the store empty-handed).

• Bought 4 new "chicklit" books today...with a bag of Ruffles Sour Cream and Cheddar. 2 must-haves for some alone-time later. :) Might choose to do this rather than watch Inception by my lonesome. I would rather cry over a good book than cry over some random fight scene / movie moment once again.

• On my way back to the office, I saw a green pick-up truck in my peripheral vision. It honked at me, so I automatically raised my hand to wave, because I knew someone in the office who had the same vehicle. When I looked up, the driver was a stranger, and he was leering at me. Ewww. Di ko pala kilala, kinawayan ko. :(( I pretended to scratch my back instead. Haha.

Eating lunch by myself is lonely and pathetic, and it makes me feel like a loser sometimes. But it sure gives me time to think about really useless stuff (on a good day), and some deep, philosophical shit, too (on a bad day).

Clean slate

No more drama.

No more temporary insanity.

No more baggage.

*

*

*

This blog is now for public consumption. :)

First cooking attempt

I will just let the pictures speak for themselves.

*bow*

Voila! Tuna pesto pasta! Yehey!!! :)

I love Froyo

Froyo always makes me happy.

Red Mango. White Hat. Yogurt Froz. California Berry.

...and recently, Frutti Yogurt.

I live right across from this yummyness, and I can just imagine myself getting my nightly fix of fruits blended into frozen yogurt. :)

The girl in the purple dress

I was blown away when I saw this.

Still cannot believe that it's me.

Check out the magicians who made this magic happen: Project Nebula

No more rice, please

I've been so confident about the effects of my Pilates sessions, that I do not watch what I eat anymore, thinking that I will burn it all off later.

Got a reality check earlier when I stepped on the weighing scale and saw that I gained 5 friggin' lbs. This is what I get for not being able to let go of rice. I love rice. I looooove rice. I L-O-V-E RICE. Have we established yet that I love rice?

I can't afford to gain anymore weight before I leave for Korea. Korea is the land of spicy kimchi and rice, and I do not want to gain even more weight once I'm there.

So, I had better shape up. No more food binges. No more rice (kaya mo yan Lesley, marami pa namang ibang carbs diyan...). I can do this!!!

3 more weeks, and I am outta here!

Twenty Eight

It's my birthday today!

*tight smile*

Yahoo!

*tight smile*

Ugh. I can't believe I'm 28 already.

*angry frown*

My dad said, after greeting me a happy birthday, that I have 5 more years to get married. "No more, no less." HAHAHA. Hah. Boo.

*thoughtful frown*

This is the most uneventful birthday of my life.

Hmm.

I kinda like it this way.

I-blow-out mo mukha mo

WALA AKONG PERA, OK? Kung gusto niyong i-celebrate ang birthday ko, eh di kayo ang manlibre sakin. Pero kung ang habol niyo lang eh libreng pagkain...sorry, WALA AKONG PERA.

Geez.

Who the hell invented this twisted tradition of treating everybody else on your own birthday?? It's supposed to be my special day, I should be treated like a princess! Pamper me! Surprise me! Stop nagging me to feed you! Close ba tayo??

(Hindi rin ako bitter eh, noh? Hehe)

F*ck, the day hasn't even arrived yet and this is already the worst birthday ever. I hate February.

Heartbreak Therapy

When I am heartbroken, I usually go for at least one of the following: new hairstyle, shopping spree, junk food binge, or chicklit/flicks.

Today, I used all four. That should be an indication of how high a level of depression this day has.

Today, I walked around the Power Plant mall in a daze, buying stuff I would need for my "me"-time later that evening (a bag of Ruffles, a tub of Sour Cream, KitKat chocolate, a Summit pocketbook, and the newest title from Sophie Kinsella), and repressed the urge to cry in front of the other shoppers.

It's not the kind of heartbreak that you might assume (it's not about romantic love), but the kind that doesn't make sense. It's caused by a lot of things: fear, disappointment, insecurity, etc. It's a gut wrenching, pound-on-your-heart kind of thing that blindsides you when you least expect it (something comparable to having a grand piano dropped on your head: you don't know what hit you).

You don't have a clue why this is happening, or why you feel this way, but you do feel it. It's a mish-mash of so many issues, so many events, so many people and situations, that you don't even know who/what the real cause is. It just hurts, no explanation needed.

And it feels good to dwell on it (the pain) for a while.

After crying - bawling, is more like it - in the privacy of my car, I arrived home and gratefully slipped into my frogs & hearts nightshirt, and proceeded to spend an enjoyable hour or so, munching on chips and reading a really mababaw pocketbook. Now, I'm trying shake off the remains of this "heartbreak" by blogging. This is making me sleepy (and in sleep, there is no conscious feeling of pain), so I guess my writing is serving its purpose.

You see, I have been having an exceptionally shitty February, and the hits just keep on coming. One might think that fate should cut me some slack, seeing that it's only a week from my birthday. But I guess nobody is exempt from bad days, bad weeks, or bad months. Birthday blues, here I come.

I forget the point I was trying to make with this blog entry, really...I guess just wanted to say that this February is the worst ever of all the 28 Februarys in my life. And I wanted to throw it out into the universe that I will not put up with a sucky 28th birthday. So things had better improve in a week (or less). Please. :'(

My wallet, my diet, and my heart cannot take another week of this "heartbreak therapy."

Mr. Car Sticker Salesman

The weekday morning drive makes or breaks your whole day.

I was able to leave the house earlier than usual this morning, so I wasn't really expecting a "manic-rush-to-work, oh-no-I'll-be-late" kind of drive. I took my usual route, cutting through an adjacent village to get to a public street. As I was about to exit the village, the security guard and some guy without a uniform flagged me down. They actually also flagged me down yesterday, but I ignored them because I was running late (hehe). I was stuck in the line going out of the gate, though, so I had no choice but to roll my window down (as the guy without a uniform was knocking obnoxiously on my window).

Guy: "Bagong car sticker po?"
Me: "Bibili nalang ako..."
Guy: "Kailangan niyo po ng bagong car sticker." (Hello, what did he expect me to do, buy one from him on the spot? Aren't car registrations required for that??)
Me: "Bibili na nga lang ako!" (roll window up and drive away)
Guy: @*&#!@*#

Ok, so I was being rude and mataray. But mister, you can't knock on people's cars and demand that they purchase your stupid car sticker right then and there, especially when they're on a rush to work. Do you really expect everyone to be so cheery at 6 o'clock in the morning?? NO.

You ruined my whole day Mr. Car Sticker Salesman (and also my route, because this means I can't pass there until I get my sticker, which won't be for a few more days hehe).

I can't wait to get my car sticker so I can drive by your stupid face and flip you off.

Another encounter with my guardian angel

I was driving my brother to Makati early (verrrry early) this morning, and before I left the house, I already had my route planned out. It's a Sunday morning anyway, so driving along C5 would be traffic-free. I planned to drive on C5 rather than Edsa, turn into the Fort, and go to Buendia via the Buendia flyover.

No traffic, no time limit -- Sunday morning driving is a breeze. :) I was singing along to the song playing over my speakers when I suddenly realized that I did not take my planned route, but rather, was on my way to the office. GREAT. Talk about AUTO PILOT. >:( It was too impractical to turn around, so I devised an alternate route. And given that Makati has a lot of one way streets, let's just say that my "alternate route" took me so much longer, and has caused me unnecessary stress. I ended up traversing Jupiter, making a "U-turn" via Kalayaan, and then finally coming out to Makati Avenue. My Buendia plan was ruined, thanks to my lack of presence of mind. What a waste of time and gas. *grumble grumble*

Ok, so what is the point to all of this? After dropping my brother off, I found myself along Buendia, trying to recreate my plan in reverse. It will be good for one leg of the trip, at least. Going down the length of Buendia, I noticed something: there was a marathon on-going and so they closed the other side of Buendia. They closed it all the way to the Buendia flyover, ending at the Fort. If I was alert enough this morning to take my planned route, I would have been worse off.

Maybe the "autopilot" that led me to the roads I took today was fate. It made me avoid all of those closed areas, and I realized that I took the only route that was available for me to take! Wala lang, ang galing. A guardian angel, perhaps?

I have always been a big believer of guardian angels. Mine has saved my ass for many times now, and has always led me to the safer route. Who else could it be but an angel? It may seem trivial to you -- I mean, why would an angel waste his/her time guiding me through the streets of Makati, right? Small beans -- but every little thing has a purpose. Maybe Nemaruel (that's the name of my guardian angel, according to Sir O. Hehe) doesn't want me to get stressed out today. Or maybe she wanted me to be home early, in order to write this blog. Who knows what the heavens have planned for me, right? Hehe.

Here are my other encounters:

(1) The most famous story of my childhood: how I got lost during the People Power rally in Luneta when I was just 4 years old. I got up from my family's picnic blanket and followed my dad (who was on his way to the toilet). I ended up following the wrong pair of knees (I could only see up to that level), and I was lost for 15 minutes or so. My parents always love telling others the story of how they were panicking, trying to figure out how to find a little girl wearing a yellow shirt in a crowd of people all wearing yellow shirts, and when, after an excruciating 15 minutes, I just sauntered (if little girls could saunter) back into the picnic area, oblivious of all the hysteria I caused. My parents always say that it's my guardian angel who brought me back.

(2) I was a freshman in college, and I just learned how to commute. One Saturday, I was in MegaMall (I forget for what), and I had to commute all the way to Mindanao Avenue in Quezon City to meet up with my parents. I took the MRT (or, wait, did I take a bus?), and I successfully made it to Mindanao Avenue! Yay me! Now all I had to do was to take a jeep along Mindanao Avenue, and go down in front of my dad's office. Piece of cake, right? I immediately rode the jeep which I assumed was for Mindanao Ave. (I didn't look at the destination written on the side anymore...It was parked along Mindanao, and it was facing the direction I was supposed to go!) OF COURSE, it was the wrong jeep, and I found myself en route to U.P. Diliman. I panicked, and shouted "para!" to the driver, without really looking at where I was. I went down in front an informal settlement along the Philippine Science road. I tried flagging down a taxi, but no one would take me. It was already dark, and it was raining, at naki-silong lang ako sa payong ng katabi ko. :(( After a while, 2 small boys -- approximately 10-12 years of age -- approached me. "Ate, di ka taga-dito ah, nawawala ka ba?" I guess they've been observing me from the start. When I didn't answer, they said "Tulungan ka namin kumuha ng taxi!" and they proceeded running after passing taxis, leaning out precariously from the side of the road to force taxis to stop, even running to the other side of the road to flag down taxis from there. But no, if the taxis weren't stopping for a semi-drenched teenage girl, they weren't going to stop for 2 street kids either. I was so distressed that I told them, thanks, but I think I'll just have to walk from here to Mindanao Ave. "Ate, sasamahan ka namin, delikado maglakad diyan, lalo na sa kanto!" And so the three of us walked side-by-side, until we reached the place where the jeeps were. After they led me to the right jeep, I sat on the seat nearest the door, I turned to thank them and handed them a 20 peso bill. "Wag na, ate, tulong na namin yun sayo, ingat nalang po kayo." With that, they ran off, and when I looked out the window, they were gone. 2 good samaritans...2 guardian angels. :) How could you not believe that those 2 were sent by God? God bless 'em. :) I wonder where they are now...