Planning the BIG 3-0

Update: Oops. Just found out that my parents are bringing me on a trip to the Holy Land + Turkey + Greece in October, as their birthday present for me. So I guess Santorini should be out of the running for my February trip. Sayang, it's the frontrunner pa naman. :( So, please don't vote for it anymore! Hehehe. 

Ok, so I won't be celebrating my birthday till next year, but I've been waiting for it ever since I turned 29 a few months back. I know that 30 shouldn't be a big deal...after all, it's just a number. But after all of the stress of 2011 (see, the year isn't even done yet and I am chalking it up as THE MOST STRESSFUL YEAR OF MY LIFE), I am so hell-bent on making my 30th birthday a stress-free, exciting, and extraordinary celebration!

I'm so stressed that I have already planned a vacation for myself in Boracay for January (redeemed my Mabuhay Miles and got a free ticket to Kalibo, Aklan), and although the project isn't done yet (it WILL be by December, I declare it!), and even if I'm technically not yet done with my MBA (I am supposed to be doing my GlobMa final paper right now, actually. Eep), I am eagerly anticipating 2012 because it will mean FREEDOM from my obligations now.

For sure, there will be new responsibilities next year...but before they come barging into my life, I want a little "ME" time, please. :) And what better way to "celebrate" and to "relax" than with a solo birthday adventure?

I must admit that I wasn't such a big fan of travelling before. Sure, I've had a lot of chances to travel (thanks to my generous and loving parents), but I do not like to fly (I get nauseous and paranoid), I am awful at packing, and I get homesick really easily. But as I grew older (and thanks to my profession), I've come to appreciate the joys of travelling: the new sights, feeling the energy of a new place, experiencing new things, collecting photographs, memories and stories along the way.

For 2011, I vowed to myself that someday, I will travel alone. It all seems so exciting and glamorous and larger-than-life (thanks to Patty Laurel's blog, I've been inspired to travel the world). So, by hook or by crook, I will embark on an adventure come February 2012.

All I need to do now is to decide where to go. ;)

So to my blog readers out there (if there are any), please vote on the poll on the right-hand side of this page (you have to scroll up a biiiiiit...there ya go). And if you have other suggestions, feel free to comment! Please take into consideration the following:

1. I will be travelling alone.
2. I will be travelling in February (Cool is ok, just not freezing, please).
3. I am on a budget (tuh. Which is actually a moot point since all of the choices require a lot of money anyway).

Hurry and vote so I can start planning and saving money!

*Thanks to http://coffeeculturecommunity.blogspot.com/ and http://shesforeverfearless.tumblr.com/ for the pictures I used for this blog entry.

Perfectly Lonely

Maybe it's the weather (rainy, windy, cold, cuddle-weather), but I am feeling a lot lonely lately. Lonely, not in a "depressed-I-want-to-die-I'm-pathetic" kind of way (ewww, diba?), but in a "It-would-be-nice-to-have-someone-to-hug-me" sort. Yeah, yeah, you can tell that this entry is going to be a big ball of mush and cheesiness, so brace yourself for it.

It's weird to think that I've been single for more than a year, now. It's not too long compared to other people, I know, but it's a new thing for me, as I have never been "vacant" for more than, hmm, 6 months, tops? (haha, another "ewww"). It's not something I brag about...but I can't say I'm complaining, either.

And as with singledom, there is a tendency for one to feel a bit lonely sometimes (c'mon, even you "I'm single by choice" girls & boys must admit that you sometimes long for companionship. Admit it, admit it!). There is nothing wrong with feeling loneliness. I learned during my Holy Week retreat that "our loneliness is a manifestation of our longing to be with someone, our longing to be complete, our longing to be with God." Feeling lonely doesn't mean that you are weak or that you are dependent on others. It just means that you admit to yourself that you are not invincible, that you need support from others, that you need to share the love that is within you (and isn't that how God intended love to be? To be shared?).

Now that I think about it, I realize that it's a happy-sort-of-lonely (if there is ever such a thing). I feel optimistic. I feel as if this is just the lull that is preparing me for the flurry of fireworks that will happen eventually. It's kind of refreshing, really. If I had known that this is what it feels like to be single and free (no complications, no drama, no tampo, no burdens), I would've done this a long time ago (haha, I kid, obviously).

"And this is not to say there never comes a day I'll take my chances and start again. And when I look behind on all my younger times, I'll have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong." - from Perfectly Lonely, by John Mayer.

This past year was a year of firsts, and although I had some doubts and fears, I can also say that I took a lot of chances. Contrary to popular belief, failure IS exhilarating. I've enjoyed it immensely (but I do want to succeed sometimes, of course. God, now is a good time for that to start). This past year I've experienced "dating" for the first time (and I figured out that it really isn't for me); I've experienced traveling alone; I've experienced making the first move and I asked someone out (and got rejected. Haha. Ouch. Style ko kasi bulok).

Looking back, I see that I have such a low success rate for all of the risks I've taken (in other words, "sawi!"). This should be enough to make me scared and jaded and cautious and hesitant...but I've realized that all this has made me feel proud of myself. Who knew that I had the balls to do all of the above? If you had told me a year ago that I'll be going out on dates, or that I'll be asking some random hot guy out, I will probably assume that you were talking about a different Lesley: a confident, outgoing, and exciting Lesley, not the quiet, shy, and introverted Lesley whom I've always assumed I was.

Who knew? Even I surprise myself sometimes. :)

But even amidst all of the excitement of crushes and dating and eye candy, and even if I know full well that I am too busy (and I am too damn old) for the complications of dating and love, there is still a part of me that is hoping for something that will last beyond the kilig and (my pathetic attempts at) flirting.

"Staying home alone on a Friday. Flat on the floor looking back on old love (or lack thereof). After all the crushes have faded, and all my wishful thinking was wrong, I'm jaded. I hate it. I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here." - from Love Song for No One by John Mayer

Is it really as simple as just wishing for someone to hug? Am I really ready to dive headfirst into a relationship just so I can feel secure and safe and loved? Or have I always been ready, and I'm just waiting for someone who is ready for me? :)

"I might have to wait, I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life." - from Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble

For now, I think I am perfectly fine being lonely (I think my weak moments are just caused by these songs preaching about future loves. Haha). I've been busy with work, super busy with school (konti nalaaaang), that my only free time is reserved for R&R time for myself and precious bonding time with my dear friends. Who has time for love? Who has time for heartbreak (haha, and I say that with no bitterness in my heart)?

So for now, I'll just have to endure the cold. A nice, warm, fuzzy hoodie can keep me company till the time the right person is ready for the right me.

Coming Soon: Travel Blog

I am inspired by Patty Laurel's blog (http://dapattylaurel.blogspot.com) -- it's full of anecdotes about her travels around the world! She's 28 years old, and she has been to 27 countries already...what a feat.

I'm 29, and I've only been to 8. So that's only, what, 1 country every 3.6 years?? BOO.

So over the next few years, I am aiming to up my record. 11 more countries to reach a 1-country-per-year target? Or is that being too ambitious? Dapat pala 12, since I'm turning 30 soon. :/

Oh well. While I wait to be free (free from stress, free from StraMa, free from financial tethers), I will try to blog about my past travels. :) Will post non-humiliating pictures of the trips, too.

Around the world we gooooo! :)

Listening to the Silence

For the past several years, I have always spent Holy Week with my family, either relaxing at home, or in some out-of-town or out-of-the-country destination. Just last year, we spent it in Bellarocca, an island resort in Marinduque, Philippines. The year before that, we were in Beijing, China. We would still do the usual Lenten practices (such as Bisita Iglesia, Stations of the Cross), and we would never fail to visit the churches in the area for mass or for thanksgiving for a safe trip. But as in all vacations, there will always be some activity to keep us busy, a tourist attraction to make us awestruck, or plenty of food to keep us full and happy.

This year, though, we're spending Holy Week in 2 separate places: 1/2 of my family is in Vancouver, Canada, visiting friends, while the other half (which includes me) remains here in the Philippines. The ones who remained here had different Holy Week plans: One went to Subic, one went to sleep over at a friend's house, and one spent 3-days in a Silent Retreat in Cavite.

Guess which one I was?

This is my first retreat in 5 years, and the first Silent Retreat I've had EVER. The last retreat I attended (Life's Directions) wasn't a silent one, and it definitely wasn't a choice I made on my own ("Why are you in this retreat?" "Because my mom forced me to go!"). This year, after a "flash of inspiration," I searched and scoured Google for the keywords "Holy Week 2011 Silent Retreat in Tagaytay/Baguio/Manila." After finding several options that were either fully booked already or were not open to outsiders, I was able to get accepted into Christian Life Community's (CLC) retreat in Trece Martires, Cavite (the Baguio retreat was already full...and besides, I didn't want to drive all the way up to Baguio by myself).

(Just a side-kuwento: When I told my family of my Holy Week plans, my brother jokingly said "First the birthday outreach, now this? Mag-mamadre ka ba?" My dad said "Yes!" and I immediately gave him a piercing look after. Hahaha!)

In the past, when I would hear stories about how my parents or my friends would go to a "silent retreat," I'd say to myself that I can never ever do something like that; I didn't think I could stand being so silent for so long. I mean, I'm not a talkative person, but I'm also not too serious. Little did I know that I would yearn for silence; that there will come a time in my life when I will go looking for a chance to slow down and reflect. This past year has been a flurry of changes and strenuous thinking/feeling, so I guess I needed to recharge and reconnect (with myself and with God).

I didn't have any plans of writing/blogging about my retreat experience, as it was a very personal journey for me (and there is just TOO MUCH to say about it; I am overflowing with "aha moments."). But this morning, as I returned to the daily grind, I was struck by a song playing on my iPod -- I guess in the noise and stress of my life, the only way God can really have Himself be heard over the din is through the music I listen to.

This song tells us about the two most difficult (and when you think about it, very different from each other) tasks that God is always asking us to do: "Wait" and "Let go." This song sums up everything that I've realized over the retreat: God's message to me to patiently wait, to keep the faith, to continue on hoping, and to be grateful. I've heard more in this silence than I've ever had amidst all the noise.

My journey of self-discovery continues, but I know that when I reach the apex, I will not be disappointed.

"...and as I wait, I will rise up like the eagle."

* * * *

Enough To Let Me Go

by Switchfoot

Oh

I'm a wandering soul

I'm still walking the line that leads me home

Alone

All I know

I still got mountains to climb

On my own

On my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through

To let me fall for you, my love

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter

Back from the dead and all our leaves are dry

You're so beautiful tonight

Back from the dead we went through

Back from the dead and both our tongues are tied

You look beautiful tonight

But every seed dies before it grows

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through

To let me fall for you

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Breathe it in

And let it go

Every breath you take is not yours to own

It's not yours to hold

Do you love me enough to let me go?

The Art of Waiting

One of my pet peeves is being made to wait. When I make a business appointment or a date with someone, I make it a point to be on time. I can't claim to be on time ALL THE TIME, but I expect some amount of effort from the person I am meeting to make it to the meeting place at a reasonable time (10-15 minutes late is still tolerable). I guess this stems from the fact that I am uncomfortable being by myself in public places (an exception is when I have my laptop with me, or a good book...then I can stay in a coffee shop by myself for hours). My worst experience was when I was made to wait for 2 hours (you know who you are, Diane. HAHAHA).

However, given this pet peeve of mine, I consider myself to be a pretty patient person in "other" aspects (maybe to the point of being naive, yeah?). Sometimes I think I have *too much* faith in people: I wait for them to reach the potential which I assume is there; I wait for them to prove me right; I wait for them to come back; I wait for them to arrive.

And more often than not, I wait too long.

Well, fortunately (for me), for the past few months, I've mastered the art of being alone. And with this new-found skill, I've realized that waiting doesn't mean that I have to be stationary or stagnant. Waiting means that I can go on at my own pace. It means going full-speed ahead towards the direction I wish to take, and hoping (crossing my fingers), that no matter how fast and far I'm going, someone out there has the sense (and the heart) to catch up with me. Someday. :)

All systems go. I still have a lot of ground to cover. Cannot afford to wait around for the slow ones.

* * * *

Wait
by Get Set Go

Wait, wait for the dawn my dear
Wait till the sun gets here
And you will wait too long he will be gone
Wait, wait till the sun shines through
Wait till the sky is blue
And you will wait too long he will be gone, he will be gone

Ooh, he will be gone
Ooh, he will be gone

Wait, wait till the signs are right
Wait till the perfect time
And you will wait too long he will be gone, he will be gone

Ooh, he will be gone
Ooh, he will be gone

La la la la la ...

Wait till you don't doubt no more
Wait till you know for sure
And you will wait too long he will be gone now

Panic

There have been a lot of natural disasters happening around the world recently -- like the earthquake in Churchill, New Zealand and the tsunami in Japan. There are man-made tragedies and accidents too, such as the Eton gondola disaster. Because of these recent events, people have become more vigilant about safety standards and emergency preparedness.

Just last week, a representative of the Metro Manila Development Authority conducted a 2-hour seminar on Fire Prevention and Earthquake / Disaster Preparedness. The presentation was very informative: with pictures of past disasters; detailed explanation of the cause and nature of fire; detailed description of how an earthquake occurs; statistics; studies on what will happen to Metro Manila if/when an earthquake occurs (which places will be the most affected); and tips & procedures on what to do in case of fire / earthquake.

While listening to the presentation (and viewing the very graphic pictures of disasters), I remembered the time we went to the Safety Theme Park in Daegu, South Korea. Yes, you read it right: a theme park dedicated to SAFETY. They have a Living Safety Exhibition Hall where they educate you on mountain safety, mountain fire, and an interactive exhibit showcasing indoor and outdoor earthquake missions; a Disaster Prevention Future Hall; and their main feature, the Subway Safety Exhibition Hall.

This Safety Park was built as a response to the Daegu Subway Arson Attack in 2009. It's mission is to educate visitors that everybody is responsible for their own safety, as well as the others surrounding them. The main "event" is the movie showing the before-and-after scenes (reenactment) of the subway fire. After the (very touching and very shocking) video, visitors are then taken into the next room, where the actual (burned) subway car is displayed in a replica of the subway station. It was truly an eye-opener for me to watch a reenactment of what happened (they told the story through the eyes of teenage girl who was in the train). It was eerie seeing the actual subway car, and the room was respectfully quiet as everyone surveyed the scene.

But the experience doesn't end there. A short orientation video was shown on subway safety, where they demonstrated the steps to be followed in case of a subway accident. We were taken into a subway car, where emergency procedures will be simulated: we had to learn how to open the subway door manually, and then use the glow-in-the-dark stickers on the floor as our guide to exit the station. Sounds pretty easy, right?

Not really. Especially when the air is thick with smoke, and those stickers are rendered useless.

I was paralyzed with fear. I remember trying to drag my feet, groping my way out of that hazy mess, and losing track of my group mates. The others were quick on their feet and were out of the room in no time: I could hear them chatting and laughing in a place far away from where I was standing. I couldn't see where I was going, and therefore, I was scared shitless of bumping or tripping into something. Pretty stupid, right, as this was only a simulation? But my brain shut down, and I couldn't move.

After a few minutes (it seemed like eternity to me), I could hear the voices of my team, who were apparently out of the smoke. They've been waiting for me to go out, and they were getting worried that it was taking me so long. They "dispatched" someone to come and get me, and when I heard his voice call out through the haze, I flailed my arms around trying to see if I could grab onto him and get the hell out of there.

Panic attack. That's the only phrase that can describe what I went through. I am rendered useless in a disaster, as my fear takes over all of my motor skills. I know that this is really bad (not to mention inconvenient), and I should learn to overcome this tendency. I don't want to be a burden to my companions if or when a disaster strikes.

The recent events are a wake-up call for all of us: we should never take safety for granted. Being caught-of-guard during a disaster is...well, disastrous. If we have the presence-of-mind and the due diligence to ensure our personal safety, this can be a starting point for also ensuring the safety of others.

Be safe. The life you save could be your own.

5% of the countries in the world

5%?

Hopefully, I can add 2 more countries to this list, this year. Guam, USA in June, and Vietnam in July *keeping my fingers crossed* (and hoping my boss will actually sign my leave); and then at least 3 more next year (UK for the Olympics! Then side trips to France and Italy. And maybe a new State for my 30th birthday).

That's the plan.

Time to save up!

Create your own travel map


Lesley has traveled to: Australia, China, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Philippines, Singapore, South Korea, United Arab Emirates, United States, USA States: Arizona, California, Florida, Maryland, Massachusetts, Nevada, New York, Virginia

T@$*%nang Lyrics 'Yan: The Legacy of Sugarfree

This is it. The end of Sugarfree's 12-year stint in the Philippine Music Scene (PMS?). 12 years of heart-felt lyrics on life and love. 12 years of "personal" anthems...of songs that several people claim to be "theirs."

I was at their farewell concert last night (Sugarfree Live: Paalam Pilipinas), and in the middle of the sweaty, smelly crowd, I found myself in a trance (in other words: TULALA). I felt my heart soar and plummet to the ground several times...like I could relate to each and every song at that specific moment. It's been awhile since I've been to a local gig (foreign acts in Araneta Coliseum & MOA concert grounds do not count)...and I must admit that I missed it -- feeling the energy of the crowd, getting carried away by their passion, getting carried away by my passion, feeling the beat of the bass and the drums, getting lost in the lights, singing along and feeling every note.

(On a related note: I miss concert photography. I miss being able to aim my camera's lens towards the bright, colorful stage...and getting a really good shot out of it, despite the darkness that surrounds it. Nothing beats a concert photo...you can feel the color, the energy, and the music coming out of the jpeg file. *see what I mean by checking out my concert photos from before, here.* I will post the photos from last night, soon.)

I don't know what it is about Sugarfree's music, but their words really hit you straight on. Unapologetically emotional, openly bigo, heart-wrenching, and painfully TRUE. Listen to any one of their songs and I'll be damned if you can't relate to at least 1 line in their whole discography.

It's not just the words...the melodies FIT. Ebe's voice has this pleading, emo quality that grabs your heart and squeezes it as you listen to it. It's like he knows what you've been through...he can feel your pain/bliss/despair...he sees right into your heart and speaks exactly what's on your mind. Yes, so I'm being a bit melodramatic here...but take a look at some of the poignant lyrics below and see if you are not reduced into a puddle of mush after.

Everybody can relate to love/unrequited love/infatuation/loss/heartbreak/falling/disappointment/regret. Sugarfree's music tells us the stories of our lives. We listen to them, reminisce, relive the pain...and we keep coming back for more.

* * * *

Words of attraction and true love:

"Pagka't sa isang taong mahal mo ng buong puso

Lahat ay gagawin

Makita kang muli..." -- Makita Kang Muli

"Nalalasing sa 'yong tingin

Di malaman-laman ang gagawin...

Habang lumalim ang gabi

ay lumalapit ang ating mga labi!" -- Prom, Dramachine

"Alam mo bang kanina pa ako magdamag ng nakatingin sayo?

At di mo lang alam

Sa gitna ng kadilimang, di mapakali

Ako'y nabighani..." -- Mariposa, Sa Wakas

Words of comfort:

"Wag ka nang umiyak

Mahaba man ang araw

Uuwi ka sa yakap ko." -- Wag Ka Nang Umiyak, Tala-Arawan

"Tulog na, mahal ko

At baka bukas ngingiti ka sa wakas

At sabay nating haharapin ang mundo

Tulog na...hayaan na muna natin sila." -- Tulog Na, Dramachine

Desperate words:

"Tinatawag kita

Sinusuyo kita

Di mo man marinig

Di mo man madama..." -- Burnout, Sa Wakas

"Ngayong gabi 'pag nagri-ring ang telepono

Ikaw ang naiisip ko

Tumawag ka, tumawag ka...darling, please

Tumawag ka naman..." -- Telepono, Sa Wakas

Words on change and goodbye:

"Kung iisipin mo

Di naman dati ganito

Teka muna, teka lang

Kelan tayo nailang?" -- Burnout, Sa Wakas

"Oh, hello? Di na kita naintindihan.

Malabo na ba ang linya sa ating dalawa?" -- Telepono, Sa Wakas

"Kapansin pansin ang iyong ganda ngayong gabi

At ang lungkot sa iyong mga ngiti

Ang kislap sa iyong mga mata'y wala na...

Kita sa iyong tinging nagsasabing

Tapos na ang lahat sa atin." -- Huling Gabi, Tala-Arawan

Words of regret:

"Pagkakataong mawawala kapag di hinawakan
Madudulas kapag di iningatan..." -- Hintay, Sa Wakas

"Nasanay lang sigurong nandiyan ka

Di ko inakalang puwede kang mawala

Ayan na nga..." -- Unang Araw, Sa Wakas

"Nagsisising matatapos ang gabing alam nating meron nang taning

Nagsisising gigising sa katototohanang di ka naman talaga akin..." -- Mariposa, Sa Wakas

Words about remembering and wondering:

"Walang ilaw...brownout sa aking mundo
Sa init naiinip
Sa dilim nangangapa
Naalala tuloy kita..." -- Kandila, Dramachine

Sino ang unang bumitaw? Sino ang unang bumigay?
(Minahal kita hanggang sa kahuli-huli)
Sino ang unang bumitaw? Sino ang unang bumigay?
(Saan ba tayo nagkamali?) -- Huling Gabi, Tala-Arawan

"Ngayong wala ka na
Kailangang masanay na muling nag-iisa
Sa'n ka na kaya?" -- Unang Araw, Sa Wakas


Moving on, letting go:

"Di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon
Kaya mula ngayon...
Magpapaalam na sayo ang aking kuwarto." -- Kuwarto, Dramachine

Love Someone

The past year has been a great journey of love for me.

And when I say "love," I mean "LOVE" -- a term that encompasses EVERYTHING: joy, sorrow, pain, happiness, kilig, enchantment, disappointment, ecstasy, passion, bliss, forgiveness, acceptance, fear, freedom...EVERYTHING.

It has been a grueling, exciting, tiring, exhilarating, humbling, record-breaking, jolting, mind-blowing year, and I am emerging a better person because of it. So this entry -- aside from an attempt to use up every imaginable adjective for love (haha) -- is about my realizations about myself.

I am a loving spirit. I don't say this to pat myself on the back, or to boost my self-esteem. I say it because it is part of my being, it is part of my programming, it is something I practice each and every day.

I love.

My soul willingly, unquestioningly, eagerly puts itself out there for love. I am here to give love -- and sometimes, if I'm lucky -- to receive love. I realize, when you open yourself up to anything, you let in everything -- love, pain, bliss, despair -- you have to be ready to face it all.

And that's what happened to me: I took a leap (of faith), and jumped over the edge. I fell. I soared. I crashed. I burned....and I survived it all. :) I guess that makes me pretty damn fearless. And the adrenaline rush it gave me...no other feeling in the world can quite compare.

I feel like I'm permanently inlove, and I choose to stay this way.

And I am inlove: with my job, with my life, with you (yes, you), and with the person I am now. :)

Love someone. It is enough to turn everything around. ♥

"Keep on believing, don't give in.

It'll come and make you whole again.

It always will, it always does...

Love is unstoppable."

* * * *

To drive my point, below is an excerpt from Adrian Tan's commencement speech to the NTU graduating class of 2008

It is far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the true worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Roll With Me

Someday you will meet the Big O who will make you realize that you are not a missing piece...and who will make you realize that you are not looking for someone to complete you and take you somewhere.

You are your own piece and you can roll on your own...or roll alongside someone else. :)

Well, what are you waiting for? Roll with me. :)


* * * *


The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

by Shel Silverstein

The missing piece sat alone...
waiting for someone to come along and take it somewhere.

Some fit...
But could not roll.

Others could roll, but did not fit.

One didn't know a thing about fitting.
And another didn't know a thing about anything.

One was too delicate.

One put it on a pedestal...
and left it there.

Some had too many pieces missing.
Some had too many pieces, period.

It learned to hide from the hungry ones.

More came.

Some looked too closely.
Others rolled right by without noticing.

It tried to make itself more attractive...
It didn't help.

It tried being flashy
but that just frightened away the shy ones.

At last, one came along that fit just right.

But all of a sudden...
the missing piece began to grow!
And grow!

"I didn't know you were going to grow."

"I didn't know it either," said the missing piece.

"I'm looking for my missing piece, one that won't increase..."

And then one day, one came along who looked different.

"What do you want of me?" asked the missing piece.

"Nothing."

"What do you need from me?"

"Nothing."

"Who are you?" asked the missing piece.

"I am the Big O," said the Big O.

"I think you are the one I have been waiting for," said the missing piece. "Maybe I am your missing piece."

"But I am not missing a piece," said the Big O. "There is no place you would fit."

"That is too bad," said the missing piece. "I was hoping that perhaps I could roll with you..."

"You cannot roll with me," said the Big O, "but perhaps you can roll by yourself."

"By myself? A missing piece cannot roll by itself."

"Have you ever tried?" asked the Big O.

"But I have sharp corners," said the missing piece. "I am not shaped for rolling."

"Corners wear off," said the Big O, "and shapes change. Anyhow, I must say good-bye. Perhaps we will meet again..."

And away it rolled.

The missing piece was alone again.

For a long time, it just sat there.

Then...
Slowly...
It lifted itself up on one end...

Then lift...pull...flop...
...and flopped over.

It began to move forward...

And soon, it's edges began to wear off...

Liftpullflopliftpullflop...

And its shape began to change...

And then it was bumping instead of flopping...
And then it was bouncing instead of bumping...
And then it was rolling instead of bouncing...
And it didn't know where, and it didn't care.

It was rolling!

(For the narrative + illustrations, click here)

Valentine's Day 2011

‎"To love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee." 

Is there any other, more sincere way to love? 

Wishing you all inspiration, to push you to go beyond what is expected

...courage, to be able to take that leap into the unknown

...and faith, to keep on believing in love, even in the most trying of times. 

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Spread the love. ♥

Mothers Know Best

It amazes me sometimes how my mom worries about me being too "dedma lang." It's like she really believes that I'm this aloof, manhid person. She worries about me because she thinks I am holding back my emotions; that I am only showing this poker face, when deep inside, I have a brewing pot of emotions just waiting to explode.

She has always been bugging me to change my domain name in yahoo (dedma_lang), because for her, there's a negative connotation to being "patay malisya." For her, it's like being heartless, empty and void of all emotion.

It surprises me, because I know that this "dedma lang" persona of mine is just a front. *I* know that I am the most emotional person in the world (an exaggeration, but it shows you how ma-drama I am sometimes. Hahaha). *I* know that I am not NR -- I care. Sometimes I care too much. *I* know how affected I can be over things that are within / beyond my control. I didn't even realize that I was fulfilling this role so effectively. All the while, I thought I was a crappy poser of this "dedma lang" mantra. Maybe it has instilled itself so seamlessly into my system that I didn't notice it.

Well, maybe that's just it: *I* know I'm not really dedma, because *I* am the only one who can feel these things. I am the only one aware of my emotions. I realize that over the years, I've learned to edit my emotions -- at least, those which I show to the world. There are only a few people to whom I show my weak side. Yes, I am a sentimental / emotional / romantic girl -- I love sappy movies, happy and sad songs make me cry, and I am (not-so-secretly) wishing for my own fairy tale / movie moment(s). But that doesn't mean that every single person in the world knows that I can be reduced into a puddle of mush every time I experience heart ache. It doesn't mean that I wallow in self-pity every time things do not go my way. I may be nice; I may be considered "malumanay" and "mahinhin" by most people; I may trust too much to the point of being gullible some times; but that doesn't mean I allow other people to walk all over me.

I am hell bent on being "dedma lang" for fear of exposing too much of my being; for fear of being perceived as weak; for fear of giving too much and not getting anything back. It's self-preservation, see?

Hmm. So I guess my mom has a point. Maybe I do give off an unaffected air; maybe I do look "dedma lang." I don't know how she sees it. Mother's intuition? Or maybe my eyes convey my emotions more clearly than the rest of my face? No matter how hard I try to hide it, my mom still gets it. I hope I'm as intuitive as she is when I become a mother.

Just last month, my mom and I were bonding over lunch:

Ma: "Who took your picture, the one where you were some sort of diwata? You should ask them to take your picture again, now."

Les: "Project Nebula. Why should I ask them that?"

Ma: "Because you look so different now. In your picture, your eyes looked so sad..."

Les: "As compared to...?"

Ma: "If they took your picture again now, it's a different person altogether."

(Ma starts to get teary-eyed)

Les: "Ma! Why are you crying??"

Ma: "I'm just happy you're happy."

She didn't expound on it, but I felt that she really was relieved that I was "out of the woods." I guess, as a mom, she got caught up in the dark cloud I was in, even without me inviting her into it. She didn't want to meddle: even back then, I felt her pain in wanting to reach out, but deciding to hold back. She wanted me to figure things out for myself, I guess. And maybe - although it pained her - she felt that I would just retreat back into my shell if she even attempted to help.

She was one of the few people who noticed a change in me the past few months. I guess the change is pretty obvious -- the way my face looks more relaxed (no more perpetual frown), the way my smile looks more genuine (and how it appears on my face more often), and how my eyes light up from within (a sparkle? My pupils dilating? No more dull black void? Haha). I had risen from the dead, and she was one of the few who welcomed me back with open arms.

I guess all moms are connected to their children in an emotional level...even without words, even from afar. I appreciate it when I know she grieves with me when I'm sad...and I'm happy when she's happy for me. Even if I am the only one who understands my emotions, it is nice to know that another person empathizes with me in some way. Maybe the reason why she resents my "dedma lang" persona is because it is like a wall I put up to keep people away...on the other side of this wall are people (like her) who just want to reach out and help me deal with my emotions. Or maybe just reach out and give me a hug. :)

Mothers always know best. And she knows that all I really need (at any time, any place, happy or sad) is to know that somebody cares. :)

Rosa Rosal

Again, my treemate (Kayan) has given me a piece of valuable insight that hits it spot on:

Kayan to me: "Ang dami mo nang charity work for the emotionally inadequate. You are like Rosa Rosal for the heart."

Rosa Rosal was known for her efforts in promoting blood donation. According to Kayan, *my* specialty is emotional donation. I don't know whether to be flattered or worried.

John Mayer Has Set Me On Fire

When they first announced that John Mayer was playing live in Manila, I didn't join the droves of people who immediately bought tickets to the event. The tickets were too damn expensive, and I just couldn't make myself spend so much on a concert, even if it is John Mayer.

But fate had other plans for me, and the universe conspired to get me not 1, but 2 tickets (1 in General Admission, and 1 in the Gold section). :) In short, the universe really was pushing for me to be in that concert. Who was I to deny its plans? :)

The concert was 4 months ago (so this blog entry is a teeny-tiny bit late. Haha), but it was one of the more memorable concerts I have attended in my lifetime, so it warrants a blog entry, no matter how delayed.

It was raining for half of the concert, but no amount of rain could dampen the John Mayer fever at MOA. Out came the umbrellas and raincoats, but his voice still rang out despite these "distractions." Aaaah his voice is a KILLER. I was mesmerized for most of the concert, as he played crowd-pleasers (mostly from my favorite album, Continuum), as well as his most recent hits from Battle Studies.

John Mayer Manila concert setlist:

1. Vultures (Continuum)
2. No Such Thing (Room for Squares)
3. Perfectly Lonely (Battle Studies)
4. Slow Dancing In A Burning Room (Continuum)
5. Waiting On the World to Change (Continuum)
6. Stop This Train (Continuum)
7. Your Body Is A Wonderland (Room for Squares)
8. Who Says (Battle Studies)
9. Heartbreak Warfare (Battle Studies)
10. Gravity (Continuum)
11. Do You Know Me (Continuum)
12. Why Georgia (Room for Squares)
13. Half of My Heart (Battle Studies)
14. Edge of Desire (Battle Studies)

It was raining really hard for half of the concert, but it was still one helluva musical experience.

John Mayer = sexaaaay. :)

He ended with one of my absolute favorite songs from Battle Studies: Edge of Desire. I swear, just hearing the opening chords of this song gives me the shivers. ;) The lyrics, the melody, his voice...it achieves everything the song is about: setting the listener on fire. John Mayer is a genius. "Steady my breathing, silently screaming 'I have to have you now.'" Crap. I am in love; I am in trouble. Every time I hear this song, I think: Have.to.make.John.Mayer.MINE.ALL.MINE! :))

*sigh* See what I mean? Even if this concert was 4 months ago, just listening to his songs on my iPod brings be back to that exact same spot at the MOA Concert Grounds, and I am on a John Mayer high. It was an epic concert by an epic musician, and I am not going to forget about it anytime soon.

* * * *

Half of My Heart

I was born in the arms of imaginary friends

free to roam, made a home out of everywhere I've been

then you come crashing in, like the realest thing

trying my best to understand all that your love can bring

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation

half of my heart takes time

half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you

that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)

oh, with half of my heart

I was made to believe i'd never love somebody else

I made a plan, stay the man who can only love himself

lonely was the song I sang, 'til the day you came

Showing me another way and all that my love can bring

oh half of my heart's got a grip on the situation

half of my heart takes time

half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you

that I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)

oh, with half of my heart

with half of my heart

your faith is strong

but I can only fall short for so long

Down the road, later on

you will hate that I never gave more to you than half of my heart

but I can't stop loving you

I can't stop loving you [x3]

but I can't stop loving you with half of my...

half of my heart

half of my heart

half of my heart's got a real good imagination

half of my heart's got you

half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you

that half of my heart won't do

half of my heart is a shotgun wedding to a bride with a paper ring

And half of my heart is the part of a man who's never truly loved anything

half of my heart [x6]

My, how I've changed...

I was browsing through old blog entries, and I came across this one:

* * * *

FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive.Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Wants to realize dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.


* * * *


The objective of the "game" is to get the supposed traits of your birth month, then strike out anything that doesn't apply to you, or put on bold the *four* traits that best apply to you (The original post where I got this from isn't accessible anymore, so I can't tell you where to get the traits for the other months).


Looking at what I've posted / highlighted / struck out above, I feel like I'm looking at a description of another person. This was posted 6 years ago, and my, how I've changed since then. For the better, for sure. :)


Here is the 2011 version of me:


FEBRUARY: Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble (shy, not so much anymore. Sometimes nalang. Hehe). Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom (who doesn't?). Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt (I think I'm *still* a bit sensitive. But I've learned to be more rational about my emotions) . Gets angry really easily but does not show it (Well, no, not too easily. I am very patient, I think. But when I do get angry, it's hard not to show it). Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Wants to realize dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.


Of course, this does not encompass my whole personality (aspects of which I, myself, am still not familiar with). These personality tests / games are usually a hit or miss...like one big guessing game. It's pretty silly to generalize people born on the same month, or under the same zodiac sign, right?


So why post this? Well, I guess I just wanted to highlight the difference between 22 year-old Lesley and 28-year-old Lesley (ugh. Soon to be 29...). I'd be pretty disgusted with myself if I didn't change a bit, in 6 years. :)) Glad I had the sense to mature.


Check back in another 6 years. I'll probably be a whole different person then. Why settle for who you are now when you can be so much better, in time? :) An on-going evolution...how exciting. :)

Taking It One Book At A Time

I do not like seeing books go unread...and I usually don't have to worry about THAT, because I read every book I have within days of purchasing / receiving them. Recently, though, I've been so scatter-brained that not only do I have a lot of unREAD books, I also have a lot of unFINISHED books. Que horror! The tragedy! :((

I guess it started during one of the sales at Fully Booked (God, this was more than a year ago already!). Got myself 3 books at 80% off. Finished only 2 of 3. 3rd book is still inside my toilet's magazine bin: unfinished, neglected and forgotten (for the curious, the book, which has been demoted to toilet-status is "The Starter Wife." Haha).

My usual go-to place in any commercial establishment is the bookstore. When I'm waiting for someone, or when I'm just looking around the mall by myself, I automatically get drawn to the place filled with nice-smelling books. :) *sigh* I can get lost inside a book store for HOURS. Unfortunately, whenever I find myself inside this heaven, and whenever I have some cash at hand (or some plastic hehe), I always end up buying a book or two.

I usually have good instincts when it comes to good books (sadly, this gift does not cross over to other aspects of my life), so whatever book catches my interest -- well, they're usually really good. I don't know what it is about this last batch of books...are they not interesting enough? Did I lose my instinct for choosing good books? Or am I just TOO busy?

The list of "neglected books" just grows longer and longer (yesterday, I went to Fully Booked to buy yet another book, which was highly recommended by a friend). I can't seem to stop buying books...and my friends can't stop giving them to me as gifts! I guess books are naturally attracted to me. Haha.

• The Starter Wife by Gigi Levangie
• My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult
• Possession by A.S. Byatt
• The Museum at Purgatory by Nick Bantock (gift from Lav)
• The White Queen by Philippa Gregory
• A Year In High Heels by Camilla Morton
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
• Mini-Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella
• Chasing Harry Winston by Lauren Weisberger (gift from Diane)
• Kiko Machine 4 & 5 :/

I'm pretty sure that when I rummage through my bedroom, I will find more unread / unfinished books. For now, I guess I should concentrate on the list above. Part of my 150-things-to-do for 2011 (#35) is to read at least 1 book a month. This target is actually an underachievement for me, because I usually finish at least 3 books a month. :/

Oh well. Baby steps! Taking it one book at a time. :)

Oh no. Wait. This means that I won't be able to buy new books for a whole year. This list is going to take me 11 months to finish. :/ That sucks. Have to get a move on.