Black Is Beautiful

I fell into a canal when I was a little girl.

And I don’t say “canal,” in the same context as the Suez Canal, the Grand Canal in Venice, or the Panama Canal.

I fell into a canal in the Philippines. And here in the Philippines, “canals” are part of the sewage system, and are full of dirty water, trash, and other icky things.

So, I fell into a canal. Do you have your mental picture straightened out now? Yes? Good. Let me tell you the story:

I love to wander off on my own (I was also lost in Luneta during the People Power rally…but that’s another story for next time. In the meantime, see picture below for reference). Even now that I’m an adult, I would rather separate myself from the group and walk around the mall alone. My parents are aware of this and I was constantly under their supervision when I was a kid. Being “makulit” me, I would always find a way to “escape.” On one such occasion, I was walking along the street outside our house. 

Before I got lost in Luneta. Imagine trying to find me in a crowd full of people who were wearing the same shirt I was!

I was out of my parents’ sight for a whole of a minute (just 1 minute!), and when they turned to look for me, I was gone. Now, many things can happen to a 6-year old kid in a minute: maybe a stranger sped by on his motorcycle and kidnapped me; or maybe a nuno sa punso (enchanted dwarves) snuck me into their underground lair (don’t look at me; it’s the sort of thing some Filipinos believe in); or maybe I ran away, was gifted with super speed, and was already at the next block. Point is, given that I was kid with a propensity for disappearing (i.e: Luneta. A kid wearing yellow, lost in a crowd wearing yellow), my parents could only imagine the worst. They were about to deploy a whole search party (at least, that is what I choose to believe they were willing to do for me, their precious daughter), when they heard a small voice coming from below ground level: “Help! Help!” (oo, Inglisera ako noong bata ako. Hahaha)

I didn’t get kidnapped or abducted by dwarves / aliens; I didn’t run away; I fell into an open canal. Whodathunk?

My parents peered through the opening and saw me standing shin-deep in black muck and garbage. When they attempted to wash the dirt off, the floor of our bathtub was full of black water & sludge. *shudder* I kinda wish they washed me off with ethyl alcohol instead.

It’s a funny story, really. I’ll just pick my ego up when you’ve stopped laughing, thanks.

Ok, so what is my point in telling this story? It has been a long-standing joke in my family that I became “dark-skinned” because of the black canal water. This event started the string of “nognog” jokes I have heard directed at me during my childhood. For those who don’t know, “nognog” is derived from the Filipino word “sunog” which, as an adjective, means “burnt.” It is a term used to describe those with dark skin. It is a term used to describe me.

Teenage girls have many issues about their appearance: “I’m too dark,” or “I’m too fat,” or “I’m too short,” or “I’m taller than most of the boys,” or “My nose is too flat,” or “I have too many pimples.” The list goes on and on. My particular issue then, was my skin color. The pretty, popular girls were mostly of the chinita or mestiza type. I never felt particularly girly or pretty, maybe because girly, pretty girls were usually portrayed in movies as petite, light-skinned types in flowery dresses.

Borrowing Lady Gaga’s words, I was “born this way:” maitim (dark) and payatot (thin & gangly) are just some of the unflattering adjectives used to describe me during my adolescent years (see picture below for a visual reference. DON’T LAUGH). Aside from being dark, thin, with knobby knees, I also had glasses (four-eyes) and braces (metal mouth). In short, I was a really ugly kid.

The floating head in the middle is me, wearing immaculate white on my grade school graduation.

I was the tall, gangly, dark-skinned nerd in loose clothes and chunky Doc Martens.  I was insecure about my appearance, and always felt that I had to change myself to be more attractive / more noticeable

Clothes are easy enough to change…I tried to copy the latest fashion trends (operative word: tried); I replaced my thick glasses with contact lenses in high school; couldn’t remove the braces yet, but a lot of other teenagers had braces then, so it didn’t bother me too much; but the dark skin…that is something that is harder to change. And therein lies my frustration.

I hated my skin color. Hated it. I blamed it for all the unrequited loves, all the ugly duckling photos, all the rejections I experienced growing up. I remember that whitening lotions and soaps began to be the “in” thing when I was in high school. I remember this clearly because I was a victim of their promises to make my skin “rosy-white,” and therefore, prettier. I had a theory that if I could just lighten it just a teeny-tiny bit, I would become more attractive, and would not be mistaken for a boy in fast food restaurants (Welcome to Jollibee, ser!”).

True, there were several factors contributing to my “unattractiveness,” but I was convinced that being dark was the trait that sealed the deal. If first impressions last, then being dark automatically got us overlooked at parties, class pictures, and school fairs.

I’m not saying that we, the dark-skinned girls, are the kawawa ones in the story. But, I mean, c’mon. Is there a specific derogatory term for light-skinned girls? Wala, diba? Because it’s an acceptable thing in our society: a society that is predominantly kayumanggi, with Malay ancestry but who tend to be more accepting of what is banyaga (foreign), that we scramble to be like / look like / talk like our Spanish / American conquerors. Dark-skinned girls are supposedly the majority in our country, but we are called derogatory names like nognog, maitim (dark), negra, or kulay uling (coal-colored).

Now, there are other more politically-correct terms used to describe women of high melanin content in their skin: tan, bronze, sun-kissed, honey / coffee / toffee / caramel toned (what are we, FOOD?), and most common of all: MORENA.

Even if it is politically correct, I didn’t like to be called “morena,” when I was younger, because it was synonymous to the derogatory terms I mentioned above. It was only when I got older, when I became more comfortable with my own skin, when I became more confident about who I am, did I get to appreciate my pagka-morena.

I wish that I could’ve told adolescent Lesley that things will get better with age; that being “morena” is part of who she is, and that she should not try to change it with skin whitening products; that all it takes is a little bit of confidence and belief in oneself to really make the real beauty shine through.

Here I am again, in immaculate white, but now more comfortable in my own skin.
(Photo credit: Stanley Ong for Kris Bacani make-up)

Black IS beautiful, not because it is any better than white (it is not in a competition with white!), but because it is a trait not commonly accepted in society, but which still manages to shine through. And isn't that the most remarkable? :)

So whatever it is that makes you insecure; whatever it is that makes you doubt your worth: Accept it, embrace it, make it work for you.

* * * *

As a treat for my 1 or 2 regular blog readers (harhar), I am posting a long-lost TVC that I did for a skin whitening product. Of course, I was cast as part of the “dark” family. :)) The concept of this ad is something that I am adamantly against now (along with this recent Block & White video about teenage girls giving a morena girl a make-over), and I must admit that it is very hypocritical of me to be writing about my love for my dark skin when I used to moonlight as a model for a skin whitening product. But that was 8 years ago, ok, I’ve changed since then.

Please don’t laugh. :))

Hulog ng Langit

This afternoon, I attended one of the free talks organized by the BAFI team of the Mind Museum. The speaker was Dr. Margie Holmes, and the topic was "Science and Emotions: Race for Love." She attempted to explain the reason people act the way they do around certain people (people they love); how a mother's way of rearing her children can affect their disposition towards others when they're older. She answered questions on love and sex, such as "is there a connection between religious belief and the level of sexual satisfaction?" and "Does 'The One' really exist?"

Instead of comforting me by answering the questions on love that have been swimming around in my head these past weeks, the talk further confirmed that this abstract theory called 'love' is something that continues to evade my understanding.

Needless to say, I left the event with damp spirits (and it didn't help that it was raining, with matching lighting and thunder pa!). I've been feeling a lot negative lately. I guess after the high that was my 30th birth month (epic party at Relik and my fabulous birthday trip to Melbourne!), everything else seemed so BLAH. I was expecting the momentum to continue when I got home, but everything kinda slowed down, and it brought my mood down, too.

After the talk, I started to walk home, but the rain started to come down harder, so I sought refuge in the nearest 7-11. After 5 minutes of wandering around the aisles, I decided to just make a run for it. I was already feeling dejected after that talk on love, and I felt even more helpless, being stuck in a friggin' 7-11.

I was already preparing myself for the rain, but the moment I stepped out of the store, I saw someone I knew walking towards 7-11 with an umbrella! Perfect timing! Talk about "hulog ng langit." Haha. Immediately, my spirits were up, and I was smiling all the way home (under the borrowed umbrella). It really felt like an intervention from God.

I know that it was just a silly little umbrella, but I think it was also God's way of reminding me that He does answer our prayers. He gives us what we need, at the moment we really need it. In that moment of jadedness / bitterness / hopelessness / dejection, God knew that I needed a reminder of how He has everything under control.

I should not let my negative thoughts eat up my hope. God will give me an umbrella. Someday. :)

February #30

It's February again...that odd month in the year with only 28/29 days, and the month when 2 of the most emotional days occur: Valentine's Day and MY BIRTHDAY. Hehe. :)

I have a love/hate relationship with February...and looking back at my blog posts from the same month in previous years, I realize that my reaction to February largely depends on the state my heart is in. I have ALWAYS known that February is a roller coaster of emotions for me, and the bad thing about it is, in the past, I've allowed it to take me for a ride. I've allowed it to drag me down to the lowest of the lows, and then pull me up to the high heavens. It seemed like such a good idea at the time, to be at the mercy of my emotions, to not try to hide how I really feel.

2005 - "February is bittersweet. It is when I wake up alternately happy and sad; It is when I feel the loneliest and when I feel the most loved. Contradicting (or crazy) as of all that may seem, all of that is what makes February special to me." (http://dedmalang.blogspot.com/2005/02/bittersweet-february.html)

2006 - For a time, I was worried that my February would not wrap up in the way that I wanted it to. I had a few down times during the middle of those 2 BIG events...but thankfully, God hasn't let me down. He still gave me the best birthday month ever. :) I just gotta love February. :) (http://dedmalang.blogspot.com/2006/03/just-gotta-love-feb.html)

2007 - I haven't been feeling very nice these past few weeks (the whole of February to be exact). I dunno why I'm so irritable/depressed/moody/sensitive for this month. I'm assuming I'm experiencing what's called the "Birthday Blues" -- also known as the condition that one acquires when one expects too much from other people. Bad. Very bad. :( (http://dedmalang.blogspot.com/2007/02/gusto-ko-to.html)

2010 - Who the hell invented this twisted tradition of treating everybody else on your own birthday?? It's supposed to be my special day, I should be treated like a princess! Pamper me! Surprise me! Stop nagging me to feed you! Close ba tayo?? (http://dedmalang.blogspot.com/2010/02/i-blow-out-mo-mukha-mo.html)

2010 - My dad said, after greeting me a happy birthday, that I have 5 more years to get married. "No more, no less." HAHAHA. Hah. Boo. *thoughtful frown* This is the most uneventful birthday of my life. Hmm. I kinda like it this way. (http://dedmalang.blogspot.com/2010/02/twenty-eight.html)

This year, I turn 30. It shouldn't be a big deal...30 is just a number, after all. But it doesn't hurt to look back and reflect on how the past 30 years have been for me: what I've been through, where I've been, how I acted, how I changed, how I grew, what I have become. Birthdays are a time to celebrate life; a time to celebrate how we get to have more time here on earth with our loved ones; a time to celebrate our achievements, our triumphs, and even our heart breaks.

This year would also be a good time to CHOOSE to be happy on my birthday. Sure, I've had happy birthdays before, but there were times when I've also allowed myself to be consumed by birthday blues. Now that I'm (supposedly) older and wiser, I know that I can ALWAYS opt to stay on the sunny side of the street. Why choose to be depressed? Why choose to be full of angst? Birthday blues, you are only a figment of my imagination. :P

I have so many things to be thankful for. 2011 has been a very difficult year for me; full of trials, especially at work. But it has given way to 2012, a year to be thankful for the challenges that have allowed me to become a better person. 2012 isn't just the year I turn 30...it is also the year I get to truly appreciate the maturity and wisdom that the past 30 years have bequeathed upon me.

The past 29 Februaries were dry-runs, leading up to February #30. Trial period is over. It's about time to show February who's boss. :)

Christmas Wishlist 2011

I try my best to get into the spirit of Christmas: helping decorate the family Christmas tree, playing Christmas carols during lazy Sundays at home...hmmm. That's it. Ok, so maybe that's not my best effort. But the problem is...

I cannot see past December 15, 2011.

The Mind Museum pre-launch party is TOMORROW NIGHT, and everything at work has been CRAZY. The past few weeks have been horribly hectic, it's not even funny. I always complain about December (it's the most wonderful time of the year, sure, but it's also the most stressful), but this year's December is extra-special & extra-stressful because of this event which I have been waiting for, for 15 long months.

The culmination of 15 months' worth of hard work is finally here! It's make or break time!

It has been chaos inside the site for the past week, with all workers scrambling to finish their tasks, in order to make the place presentable for tomorrow's event. Fumes, dust, and the smell of panic is hovering in the air, and I think it has caused temporary blindness to anything beyond December 15. Mind you, there are other major events / tasks beyond the 15th that I *should* be preparing for / organizing (Cost Report, AGSB Christmas party, Datem Christmas party, TMM Christmas party,  Christmas shopping, the house, etc.), but my heart is just not set on doing them...not until tomorrow is over.

The stress of December is bearing down upon me, so I need some relief, even for 5 minutes. So what better way to cope with the pressure than to distract myself by making a Christmas wishlist? I did a similar list a year ago. Funny thing about that list is, some of those items are only coming into fruition now, at the end of the year. Talk about last minute.

1. Exercise clothes - I've been an exercise-addict lately, and if only I had 5 sets of exercise clothes, I would be out running everyday. Medyo kuripot ako, so I don't like the idea of buying expensive things if I'll just sweat in them anyway. But if family/friends will give exercise clothes as gifts, why not, diba? Hehe. So, aside from the pictures I've posted below, I would also like black, white or gray ankle socks, and sports bras. :D

Nike training tank top (for my Pilates class). Medium.

 Nike Legend tight fit capris or slim fit pants (for Pilates / running)

Purple / black running shorts & running tank top (to match my new purple running shoes, see picture below). Mabuti nang purple AND black, so I can mix and match. I do not want to look like an eggplant...or worse, like Grimace. :))

(special thanks to my mama for buying these shoes for me in HK)

2. Make-up - You can't escape aging, but you sure can cover it up with make-up. :)) I'm a Benefit junkie, and unfortunately for me, Benefit isn't commercially available here in the Philippines (it soon will be, though! They're opening a store in Greenbelt 5, soon! Yayyyy). So if anyone out there is coming from the U.S. or Singapore, here are my favorite Benefit items: "That Gal" brightening face primer (it's the best! From dull to glowing, in seconds!), Dallas bronzing pressed powder (I use this as blush, though), Erase Paste concealer (shade no. 3); Oh, I'm out of black mascara too.

3. Books - I've been so busy lately, that I still haven't waded through my stack of new books at home (uh oh, there goes my 2011 New Year's resolution). But I still would want to receive books for Christmas. New books = ♥. My favorite authors: Nick Bantock, Sophie Kinsella, Philippa Gregory, Cecilia Ahern and Paolo Coehlo. I would also like the following books, please (hehe, my choices are polar opposites, I know):

4. Accessories for my gadgets - screen protector for my MacBook Pro 15", a new keyboard protector (those with air-holes sana), new iPod earphones.


5. Early / successful completion of the house I designed - I know being busy isn't an excuse, but I've been way behind in the awarding of suppliers for the house. I still need to finalize the tiles, the wood flooring, the railing, and the lighting fixtures. :/ Oh, and the paint! :((( Ugh, I'm having palpitations just thinking about this. Double-stress! I still have so much to do!!! This is the sort of wish that I can't rely on anybody else to give me. So I guess I'll just wish that I will still be alive come December 16, so that I can work on the house pronto. :))

 Construction on-going

6. To be Champion in this year's Datem Christmas party presentation - Yep, I wished for this last year and it came true. This year, I STILL WANT TO WIN. Defending Champions, baby! Losing is not an option! (haha, sorry, competitive talaga) 

 The Mind Museum project team -- Champions! :)

7. Enough money for my 2012 travels. ♥ I really should start saving up. I have my plane tickets to all of my destinations already...I just need the pocket money so I can make the most of my trips! Yeaaaah, I can't wait! :)



* * * *


Uh oh. This list is supposed to help me relax, but I can feel the butterflies again. I've procrastinated long enough...it's time to get back to work. I know there are other stuff that I want included here...I just can't think of them at the moment. Haha.

Lord, it's all up to You now. You know what's best for me! Hehe. How about You, what do You want for Christmas / Your birthday? :)

No pain, no gain: the Crossfit Manila experience

I attended a trial session at Crossfit Manila (Fort branch) last night.

It was a last-minute thing, really. Tuesdays are usually reserved for my weekly Pilates classes. However, my Pilates instructor had to cancel class that day, so I was already thinking of doing my back-up exercise plan, which is to run around the Fort. I get bored in the gym very easily (my only view is the pool outside, and I always tend to cut my cardio session short because all I can think of while on the treadmill or elliptical machine is how much I want to jump in the pool); I usually opt to run/walk on the streets (at least the view changes every time...and I don't feel pressured by other gym-goers who can run 30 minutes straight without fainting).

So there...I was already set on doing my 2nd straight night of running/walking/wheezing on the streets of Bonifacio Global City. During lunch break yesterday, however, I was scanning my Twitter timeline and a couple of celebs whom I follow tweeted about @CrossfitMNL (I swear, Twitter is one heck of a marketing tool!). They were saying how their bodies were sore after an intense workout, but how it was "so worth it!" Curious, I did a little bit of research.

I got the following excerpts from their official website:

"Crossfit workouts are a combination of Cardio, Track & Field, Plyometrics, Rowing, Gymnastics, Kettlebell and Weightlifting. You will be doing the workout together with other Crossfitters of all ages and all fitness levels."

Sounds intense, right? I don't even know what "Plyometrics" means (I Googled it just now & it is defined as "a method of training muscle elastic strength and explosiveness to enhance athletic performance"). Even the word "Cardio" strikes fear into my heart, as I still can't run for more than 10 minutes straight (at least I'm improving. Before it was only 5 minutes straight; before that, it was only 2 minutes max). However, the phrase "of all ages and all fitness levels" encouraged me a little bit, as I'm thinking that maybe I won't be the most kulelat in class...I can go at my own pace. 

"There is no other investment for your fitness and the community that will have a better ROI than this. This is the most bad ass cardio, strength and conditioning, weightlifting, gymnastics, kettlebell, rowing, and plyometrics combination workout that you will ever find.  And the best part is that the results in your looks, sport performance, or weight loss will be THE  SHIT! That is the CrossFit MNL guarantee.  Can your gym do that?"

What can I say, I was immediately excited by that guarantee. It's not "you will look LIKE SHIT," but "the results will be THE SHIT." That's a huge difference there. Haha! Of course, this guarantee is only as good as my commitment to participating in the program.

So from the above-descriptions alone (and motivated by the fact that I need a Hawaii-beach-worthy-body come February 2012), I signed up for a free trial session at their Fort branch (it's beside the paintball area of the AFP Gymnasium). I couldn't get any of my friends to come try it with me, so I trekked to "the box" (as crossfitters seem to call their gym) alone, hoping for the best.

I got there 30 minutes early, so I sat around and watched the ones from the previous class do their workout. They were facing the wall, tossing balls (medicine balls, I think they're called) up in the air, doing squats, sit-ups, and then scribbling on a small white board. "Doesn't look too bad," I thought. "My Pilates work-outs should count for something, right?"

So we started with warm-ups. 40 jumping jacks ("Yeah, I can do this, no problem!"); 30 squatting-hopping thingies (I don't think I made it to 30...my thighs were burning by #28. I hate squats!!!); 20 friggin' push-ups (Chest and thighs touch the floor, or else they don't count! So I guess I only effectively did 2. Harhar); and 10 sit-jump thingies ("Does this ever end? Warm-up palang to ah!")

We were then taught the WOD or "Work-out of the Day:" 7 reps each of 4 types of exercises, and we have to do as many as we can in 15 minutes. 15 minutes doesn't sound too long, but man, when I was in the middle of all the exercises and I glanced at the countdown clock for relief, I was like, "What?! Only 4 minutes have passed? 11 more minutes of THIS to go???"

Remember the wall ball exercises I witnessed earlier, wherein I said "doesn't look too bad?" I was so wrong. Those 10-pound balls were heavy, and I had to throw them up in the air from a squatting position. The 2nd exercise is pull-ups. On my 2nd pull-up round, I was resting for a minute or more after the 3rd rep (technically, it was already my 3rd pull-up round since I volunteered to try it during the demo), as my arms were already sore; I couldn't pull my chin above the bar anymore. The box jumps were the easiest for me (easiest nga, pero mahirap parin!), but it really made me short of breath by the 10th jump (on the lowest box pa!). And those burpees! Words cannot explain the pain I felt in trying to execute a proper burpee (I cannot reiterate enough how much I hate squats).

 Photo taken from www.crossfitmnl.com

I am proud of myself that I at least finished 2 whole rounds (the others were able to do 4...the most number of rounds was 7...but at least I didn't do just ONE). I did an incomplete round 3 (was only able to finish the box jumps; when it was wall ball time, the 15-minutes had already run out). I was sweating profusely, weak in the knees, and gasping for air after the work-out, and I was doubting my capability to pull off such an intense exercise regimen. Can I really do this? Am I cut out for this? Am I really willing to subject myself to such torture?

I woke up the next day (today) feeling all sore, cursing the Crossfit gods. But then, I was also very thankful that I was still alive. Haha! I remember feeling the same way after my first-ever Pilates class a year ago; I also remember complaining about how I was the least graceful person in that studio. But look at me now: although I can't say I'm a good Pilates student (my flexibility sucks), at least my form has improved (thanks, muscle-memory), and I can now smirk at the other less-graceful students (I kid, I kid). Today, after my first Crossfit workout, I'm still having a hard time sitting on my office chair (and standing up), but I realize that once the original pain has subsided, I am actually craving for some more. Hopefully I will improve my endurance as time goes by. I now understand why some people can get addicted to this. Uh oh.

I don't know yet if I'll get the 1-month package (the next level is 6-months, and I definitely can't get that due to my numerous trips abroad next year). PhP 3500 for 6 sessions is a bit steep, and I will have to let go of my PhP 3500 for 8 sessions Pilates class next month for me to afford this new exercise regimen.

I really, really want to shape up for my trip to Hawaii next year (flat stomach, you have eluded me for so long!), and aside from starving myself to death (which I cannot do! Ang sarap kumain!), Crossfit is the only viable option I really have. My friend, Sal, is also recommending a TRX workout for me, but her gym is all the way in QC, so I will have to think about it still. I really should be asking a different set of questions than the ones highlighted above: Do I want a flat tummy? Do I want to have toned arms? Do I really want to be able to run at least 3k without stopping? Do I want to conquer those cursed burpees and damned squats??? Uh oh, I think my "ayaw magpatalo" nature is rearing its ugly head.

Bottom line is: I need an effective work-out, and they say Crossfit is REEEAAAALLY effective.

Question is: can I do it in such a way that it will be effective for ME?

What say you?

Aspiring Jet-Setter

4 months ago, I conducted a poll to help me decide where to go for my 30th birthday next year. It was the middle of the year when I wrote that blog post, and I was up to my neck in work (MBA, the Mind Museum, the house, etc.). I was eagerly anticipating 2012, which will mark the end of some of my obligations, so I can FINALLY have some me-time for traveling and relaxing.

I think I got too carried away with the planning. From no travel plans (back then), I am now OVERWHELMED by - not ONE, but - FIVE different trips come 2012.

I should be happy, right? I should be excited! But instead, I am worrying about how much of my vacation leaves this will eat up; I am worried about how much it will cost me (travel expenses PLUS the unpaid leaves); but most of all, I am worried about how this will affect my work. I know that I've said that my obligations will be done by the end of 2011 (MBA - check! Mind Museum - by December! House - by January!), but in trips 1 & 2 alone, I will be using up ALL of my paid leaves, and I don't know if I can focus properly on a new project what with all these "breaks."

Trip 1: Honolulu, Hawaii.
I asked my girl-cousins to join me on my big birthday trip on February 2012. I was planning a solo birthday trip (see previous blog entry), but I thought Hawaii would be so much more fun if I spent it with girls who also want to let loose and have fun. :) The only week when all of us are available is the 3rd week of February, so it's cutting it REAL CLOSE to my trip #2 plans. I might have to fly directly from Honolulu to Melbourne. Jet-setter kung jet-setter! Hahaha! (Total VLs = 6 days)

Trip 2: Melbourne, Australia
A few days after I barraged my cousins with emails about the Hawaii trip, I received a message from my high school kabarkada based in Melbourne, Australia, that we should save the date for her wedding on the 3rd of March. I've been to Melbourne once before, with my parents, and Licua took us around the city, recommended a great steakhouse for us to eat in, and took me around the night spots. I've also been witness to her love failures and love triumphs through the years, so I am not one to miss her get married to the love of her life. Finally, she gets her happy-ever-after! :) (Total VLs = 6 days)

Trip 3: Boracay
Ok, remember that I mentioned in my previous blog entry that I've claimed my free Boracay ticket from my free miles? Well, I have the option to rebook it (for free), but I still do not know for WHEN the adjusted schedule will be. My dad's cousin is getting married in Boracay on March 8, so I'm thinking of making the most of my vacation leave and just go straight to Boracay after arriving home from Melbourne. But because I'll be gone for a total of 2 weeks for trips 1 & 2 alone, this Boracay trip will take the total up to 3 weeks. This should be fine, except that trip #4 is also 3 WEEKS LONG, and trip #5 is 2 WEEKS LONG. Ayayay. I guess I should reschedule this to another month. Question is, when else will I be allowed at least 4 days leave? Maybe I'll schedule it on the next long weekend. I have to ask PAL till when I can rebook it. Augh, what to do, what to do?? (Total VLs = 4 days)

Trip 4: San Diego and Florida, U.S.A.
As a graduation present both for me (MBA) and my baby brother Laurence (high school), my family is going to the U.S. to visit relatives in San Diego and to have some fun-under-the-sun in Floridaaaaa! The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, here we come!!! This trip is going to start during the Holy Week, so at least, I won't be shaving off too much leaves from my total. Oh. Wait. I will have already used up most of the 15-day allotment for vacation leaves in trips 1 & 2. So this will be an unpaid leave...3 weeks of unpaid leave. :/ (Total VLs = 15 days)

Trip 5: Holy Land + Greece + Turkey
My parents have been planning to take another trip to the Holy Land with their travel group, but it always gets postponed due to their busy schedules (my parents are the ultimate jet-setters, so they're always flying off to some out-of-the-country location for a business meeting, conference, or for leisure). The year it will finally push through (2012) also coincides with my 30th year of life, so they decided to bring me along as a 30th birthday present to me (hurray!). I'll be the only "young" person in their group, but who cares? I get to go to Israel, Jordan, Greece and Turkey for FREE!!! (Total VLs, approximately 10 days)

All sounds like fun, right? Bad thing is, I can't go to all of them. My dad is going to kill me if I take a leave for a grand total of 41 working days. Sosyal. So I have to choose a trip (or 2) to drop.

I was originally thinking of dropping Hawaii...but in my heart of hearts, I know that I am already set on riding the waves of the North Shore and I am set on swimming with the dolphins. So even if this trip alone will set me back A LOT of money, I cannot bring myself to postpone this birthday trip. I JUST CAN'T. :( Next option is Australia...but I also cannot stand to know that I will miss Licua's big day. How often will she get married, eh? Knowing that she's a very devout Christian, and her husband-to-be is a Christian pastor, I think it's safe to say that this is a once-in-a-lifetime event.

For trip #3, I wasn't really invited, just my parents. Haha! But it would be convenient to schedule my Boracay trip to coincide with this event because at least my parents are paying for my accommodations. Sneaky! And since the Melbourne wedding is also a beach wedding, at least I can wear the same dress. Thrifty! :))

I definitely can't drop trip #4, because my mom (efficient as she is) already booked our hotels. Galeng. :D

So I guess the only "droppable" trips are #3 and #5. :( Ok, I shouldn't even THINK of how much I really REALLY want to to go the Holy Land (and to Greece! And Turkey!). I shouldn't even THINK that out of all 5 trips, this is 1-of-3 FREE trips I would have had (how crazy am I that I am retaining the 2 most expensive, self-sponsored trips, Hawaii and Australia???). I should just drop trip #5, resched #3 to 2013 if possible, and finally BOOK trips #1 & #2 already!!!

I should also make sure that all balance of works are finished before February 18th. If not, I will be totally, totally screwed. CRUNCH TIME NA!!! To my family and friends, I apologize in advance: since I am throwing all of my money into my 2012 vacation-extravaganza, I won't have a budget left for Christmas presents. :D Kiss and hug nalang. :) I am also accepting donations to the "Sponsor Lesley On A Trip Around the World Foundation." (contact me for bank deposit details, hahaha!)

126 days to go till the adventure(s) of my life!!! Time to get crackin'! Thrift-mode and workaholic mode ON. 

* * * *

Update, as of October 18, 2011.

Just found out that I can only rebook my Boracay ticket up to ONE YEAR after it was issued. I bought it last June 30, 2011, so I will have to rethink my strategy: either I go with my parents to the Boracay wedding (March 8, right after my Melbourne trip); or I book it on the only long weekend of June...June 8-11, 2012). Auuuugh. What do I do???

Planning the BIG 3-0

Update: Oops. Just found out that my parents are bringing me on a trip to the Holy Land + Turkey + Greece in October, as their birthday present for me. So I guess Santorini should be out of the running for my February trip. Sayang, it's the frontrunner pa naman. :( So, please don't vote for it anymore! Hehehe. 

Ok, so I won't be celebrating my birthday till next year, but I've been waiting for it ever since I turned 29 a few months back. I know that 30 shouldn't be a big deal...after all, it's just a number. But after all of the stress of 2011 (see, the year isn't even done yet and I am chalking it up as THE MOST STRESSFUL YEAR OF MY LIFE), I am so hell-bent on making my 30th birthday a stress-free, exciting, and extraordinary celebration!

I'm so stressed that I have already planned a vacation for myself in Boracay for January (redeemed my Mabuhay Miles and got a free ticket to Kalibo, Aklan), and although the project isn't done yet (it WILL be by December, I declare it!), and even if I'm technically not yet done with my MBA (I am supposed to be doing my GlobMa final paper right now, actually. Eep), I am eagerly anticipating 2012 because it will mean FREEDOM from my obligations now.

For sure, there will be new responsibilities next year...but before they come barging into my life, I want a little "ME" time, please. :) And what better way to "celebrate" and to "relax" than with a solo birthday adventure?

I must admit that I wasn't such a big fan of travelling before. Sure, I've had a lot of chances to travel (thanks to my generous and loving parents), but I do not like to fly (I get nauseous and paranoid), I am awful at packing, and I get homesick really easily. But as I grew older (and thanks to my profession), I've come to appreciate the joys of travelling: the new sights, feeling the energy of a new place, experiencing new things, collecting photographs, memories and stories along the way.

For 2011, I vowed to myself that someday, I will travel alone. It all seems so exciting and glamorous and larger-than-life (thanks to Patty Laurel's blog, I've been inspired to travel the world). So, by hook or by crook, I will embark on an adventure come February 2012.

All I need to do now is to decide where to go. ;)

So to my blog readers out there (if there are any), please vote on the poll on the right-hand side of this page (you have to scroll up a biiiiiit...there ya go). And if you have other suggestions, feel free to comment! Please take into consideration the following:

1. I will be travelling alone.
2. I will be travelling in February (Cool is ok, just not freezing, please).
3. I am on a budget (tuh. Which is actually a moot point since all of the choices require a lot of money anyway).

Hurry and vote so I can start planning and saving money!

*Thanks to http://coffeeculturecommunity.blogspot.com/ and http://shesforeverfearless.tumblr.com/ for the pictures I used for this blog entry.

Perfectly Lonely

Maybe it's the weather (rainy, windy, cold, cuddle-weather), but I am feeling a lot lonely lately. Lonely, not in a "depressed-I-want-to-die-I'm-pathetic" kind of way (ewww, diba?), but in a "It-would-be-nice-to-have-someone-to-hug-me" sort. Yeah, yeah, you can tell that this entry is going to be a big ball of mush and cheesiness, so brace yourself for it.

It's weird to think that I've been single for more than a year, now. It's not too long compared to other people, I know, but it's a new thing for me, as I have never been "vacant" for more than, hmm, 6 months, tops? (haha, another "ewww"). It's not something I brag about...but I can't say I'm complaining, either.

And as with singledom, there is a tendency for one to feel a bit lonely sometimes (c'mon, even you "I'm single by choice" girls & boys must admit that you sometimes long for companionship. Admit it, admit it!). There is nothing wrong with feeling loneliness. I learned during my Holy Week retreat that "our loneliness is a manifestation of our longing to be with someone, our longing to be complete, our longing to be with God." Feeling lonely doesn't mean that you are weak or that you are dependent on others. It just means that you admit to yourself that you are not invincible, that you need support from others, that you need to share the love that is within you (and isn't that how God intended love to be? To be shared?).

Now that I think about it, I realize that it's a happy-sort-of-lonely (if there is ever such a thing). I feel optimistic. I feel as if this is just the lull that is preparing me for the flurry of fireworks that will happen eventually. It's kind of refreshing, really. If I had known that this is what it feels like to be single and free (no complications, no drama, no tampo, no burdens), I would've done this a long time ago (haha, I kid, obviously).

"And this is not to say there never comes a day I'll take my chances and start again. And when I look behind on all my younger times, I'll have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong." - from Perfectly Lonely, by John Mayer.

This past year was a year of firsts, and although I had some doubts and fears, I can also say that I took a lot of chances. Contrary to popular belief, failure IS exhilarating. I've enjoyed it immensely (but I do want to succeed sometimes, of course. God, now is a good time for that to start). This past year I've experienced "dating" for the first time (and I figured out that it really isn't for me); I've experienced traveling alone; I've experienced making the first move and I asked someone out (and got rejected. Haha. Ouch. Style ko kasi bulok).

Looking back, I see that I have such a low success rate for all of the risks I've taken (in other words, "sawi!"). This should be enough to make me scared and jaded and cautious and hesitant...but I've realized that all this has made me feel proud of myself. Who knew that I had the balls to do all of the above? If you had told me a year ago that I'll be going out on dates, or that I'll be asking some random hot guy out, I will probably assume that you were talking about a different Lesley: a confident, outgoing, and exciting Lesley, not the quiet, shy, and introverted Lesley whom I've always assumed I was.

Who knew? Even I surprise myself sometimes. :)

But even amidst all of the excitement of crushes and dating and eye candy, and even if I know full well that I am too busy (and I am too damn old) for the complications of dating and love, there is still a part of me that is hoping for something that will last beyond the kilig and (my pathetic attempts at) flirting.

"Staying home alone on a Friday. Flat on the floor looking back on old love (or lack thereof). After all the crushes have faded, and all my wishful thinking was wrong, I'm jaded. I hate it. I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here." - from Love Song for No One by John Mayer

Is it really as simple as just wishing for someone to hug? Am I really ready to dive headfirst into a relationship just so I can feel secure and safe and loved? Or have I always been ready, and I'm just waiting for someone who is ready for me? :)

"I might have to wait, I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life." - from Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble

For now, I think I am perfectly fine being lonely (I think my weak moments are just caused by these songs preaching about future loves. Haha). I've been busy with work, super busy with school (konti nalaaaang), that my only free time is reserved for R&R time for myself and precious bonding time with my dear friends. Who has time for love? Who has time for heartbreak (haha, and I say that with no bitterness in my heart)?

So for now, I'll just have to endure the cold. A nice, warm, fuzzy hoodie can keep me company till the time the right person is ready for the right me.

Coming Soon: Travel Blog

I am inspired by Patty Laurel's blog (http://dapattylaurel.blogspot.com) -- it's full of anecdotes about her travels around the world! She's 28 years old, and she has been to 27 countries already...what a feat.

I'm 29, and I've only been to 8. So that's only, what, 1 country every 3.6 years?? BOO.

So over the next few years, I am aiming to up my record. 11 more countries to reach a 1-country-per-year target? Or is that being too ambitious? Dapat pala 12, since I'm turning 30 soon. :/

Oh well. While I wait to be free (free from stress, free from StraMa, free from financial tethers), I will try to blog about my past travels. :) Will post non-humiliating pictures of the trips, too.

Around the world we gooooo! :)

Listening to the Silence

For the past several years, I have always spent Holy Week with my family, either relaxing at home, or in some out-of-town or out-of-the-country destination. Just last year, we spent it in Bellarocca, an island resort in Marinduque, Philippines. The year before that, we were in Beijing, China. We would still do the usual Lenten practices (such as Bisita Iglesia, Stations of the Cross), and we would never fail to visit the churches in the area for mass or for thanksgiving for a safe trip. But as in all vacations, there will always be some activity to keep us busy, a tourist attraction to make us awestruck, or plenty of food to keep us full and happy.

This year, though, we're spending Holy Week in 2 separate places: 1/2 of my family is in Vancouver, Canada, visiting friends, while the other half (which includes me) remains here in the Philippines. The ones who remained here had different Holy Week plans: One went to Subic, one went to sleep over at a friend's house, and one spent 3-days in a Silent Retreat in Cavite.

Guess which one I was?

This is my first retreat in 5 years, and the first Silent Retreat I've had EVER. The last retreat I attended (Life's Directions) wasn't a silent one, and it definitely wasn't a choice I made on my own ("Why are you in this retreat?" "Because my mom forced me to go!"). This year, after a "flash of inspiration," I searched and scoured Google for the keywords "Holy Week 2011 Silent Retreat in Tagaytay/Baguio/Manila." After finding several options that were either fully booked already or were not open to outsiders, I was able to get accepted into Christian Life Community's (CLC) retreat in Trece Martires, Cavite (the Baguio retreat was already full...and besides, I didn't want to drive all the way up to Baguio by myself).

(Just a side-kuwento: When I told my family of my Holy Week plans, my brother jokingly said "First the birthday outreach, now this? Mag-mamadre ka ba?" My dad said "Yes!" and I immediately gave him a piercing look after. Hahaha!)

In the past, when I would hear stories about how my parents or my friends would go to a "silent retreat," I'd say to myself that I can never ever do something like that; I didn't think I could stand being so silent for so long. I mean, I'm not a talkative person, but I'm also not too serious. Little did I know that I would yearn for silence; that there will come a time in my life when I will go looking for a chance to slow down and reflect. This past year has been a flurry of changes and strenuous thinking/feeling, so I guess I needed to recharge and reconnect (with myself and with God).

I didn't have any plans of writing/blogging about my retreat experience, as it was a very personal journey for me (and there is just TOO MUCH to say about it; I am overflowing with "aha moments."). But this morning, as I returned to the daily grind, I was struck by a song playing on my iPod -- I guess in the noise and stress of my life, the only way God can really have Himself be heard over the din is through the music I listen to.

This song tells us about the two most difficult (and when you think about it, very different from each other) tasks that God is always asking us to do: "Wait" and "Let go." This song sums up everything that I've realized over the retreat: God's message to me to patiently wait, to keep the faith, to continue on hoping, and to be grateful. I've heard more in this silence than I've ever had amidst all the noise.

My journey of self-discovery continues, but I know that when I reach the apex, I will not be disappointed.

"...and as I wait, I will rise up like the eagle."

* * * *

Enough To Let Me Go

by Switchfoot

Oh

I'm a wandering soul

I'm still walking the line that leads me home

Alone

All I know

I still got mountains to climb

On my own

On my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through

To let me fall for you, my love

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter

Back from the dead and all our leaves are dry

You're so beautiful tonight

Back from the dead we went through

Back from the dead and both our tongues are tied

You look beautiful tonight

But every seed dies before it grows

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through

To let me fall for you

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Breathe it in

And let it go

Every breath you take is not yours to own

It's not yours to hold

Do you love me enough to let me go?