"Quotes"

"I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind. There was something so pleasant about that phase. Even your emotions have an echo in so much space."

-- excerpt from "Crazy" by Gnarles Barkley

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I'm so busy nowadays that my thoughts are just a series of quotes. Quotes that stand out in my mind while I'm watching a show; lines from songs while listening to the radio; blurbs from books that I'm reading...

"So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?" (Meg Ryan in You've Got Mail)

Yeah. It should be the other way around. You should be able to read a book, listen to a song, watch a movie, and then clutch your heart and weep internally because it describes your (love)life to a T. It usually takes a song to make you sit up and say, "Hey, I'm feeling that. I can so relate." Think along the lines of Killing Me Softly. It's exactly like Killing Me Softly.

Why do we relate our lives to words that other people have written? Because it's easier to just listen, that's why.

Sit back --> Listen --> Connect.
No complications.
Internal suffering without the hard work.
Other people write it. You just cry over it.

I go around searching for familiar words from unfamiliar people's mouths. Collecting a string of mismatching songs in my head, and playing them back as the soundtrack of my life. Relying on other (unsuspecting) people to tell my story, when they only really want to tell theirs.

Maybe my brain is too tired to generate original thoughts? Or maybe it's another form of deja vu wherein my mind takes comfort in hearing familiar situations in other people's words. Why is it that other people can describe what I am feeling in such a precise way? My words never seem to measure up to the feeling I am trying to emulate. Words never seem to be enough.

"I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish them. Words shrink things that seemed timeless when they were in your head, to no more than the living size when they are brought out."

I can blurt out a million words to describe my feelings, my emotions. But there will always be a million more left unsaid, words that remain inside of me. They will be solely mine to feel, exclusively mine to experience.

And that makes me feel better, somewhat.

If it is so easy to snatch quotes from other people, then words can never be truly yours. The emotions I feel: they are mine. And I accept that they are never meant to be described; never meant to be understood by anyone other than me.

Feel-good Crying

There's no doubt about it: my top tear-jerker movie of all time is ARMAGGEDON. No contest.

I was fortunate enough to get home early to catch the flick on Star Movies last night.

Tears were already streaming down my face (like a mini-waterfall! Haha) during the first 30 minutes. Into the half of the movie, I was already emitting weird hiccup-y sounds along with more tears (still a steady waterfall).

Near the end -- Oh, you know that part. The part where Harry (Bruce Willis' character) makes the ultimate sacrifice for mankind, and for his daughter. Up to the part where he says goodbye to her on screen and when she finally calls him "Daddy." -- my hiccup-y sounds turned into full-scale howling. Unabashed bawling. Heart-wrenching sobs.

Hay. That felt really good. Hehe. :)

"What is it about sadness that can be so fulfilling" (The Girls by Lori Lansens)