Christmas Wishlist 2011

I try my best to get into the spirit of Christmas: helping decorate the family Christmas tree, playing Christmas carols during lazy Sundays at home...hmmm. That's it. Ok, so maybe that's not my best effort. But the problem is...

I cannot see past December 15, 2011.

The Mind Museum pre-launch party is TOMORROW NIGHT, and everything at work has been CRAZY. The past few weeks have been horribly hectic, it's not even funny. I always complain about December (it's the most wonderful time of the year, sure, but it's also the most stressful), but this year's December is extra-special & extra-stressful because of this event which I have been waiting for, for 15 long months.

The culmination of 15 months' worth of hard work is finally here! It's make or break time!

It has been chaos inside the site for the past week, with all workers scrambling to finish their tasks, in order to make the place presentable for tomorrow's event. Fumes, dust, and the smell of panic is hovering in the air, and I think it has caused temporary blindness to anything beyond December 15. Mind you, there are other major events / tasks beyond the 15th that I *should* be preparing for / organizing (Cost Report, AGSB Christmas party, Datem Christmas party, TMM Christmas party,  Christmas shopping, the house, etc.), but my heart is just not set on doing them...not until tomorrow is over.

The stress of December is bearing down upon me, so I need some relief, even for 5 minutes. So what better way to cope with the pressure than to distract myself by making a Christmas wishlist? I did a similar list a year ago. Funny thing about that list is, some of those items are only coming into fruition now, at the end of the year. Talk about last minute.

1. Exercise clothes - I've been an exercise-addict lately, and if only I had 5 sets of exercise clothes, I would be out running everyday. Medyo kuripot ako, so I don't like the idea of buying expensive things if I'll just sweat in them anyway. But if family/friends will give exercise clothes as gifts, why not, diba? Hehe. So, aside from the pictures I've posted below, I would also like black, white or gray ankle socks, and sports bras. :D

Nike training tank top (for my Pilates class). Medium.

 Nike Legend tight fit capris or slim fit pants (for Pilates / running)

Purple / black running shorts & running tank top (to match my new purple running shoes, see picture below). Mabuti nang purple AND black, so I can mix and match. I do not want to look like an eggplant...or worse, like Grimace. :))

(special thanks to my mama for buying these shoes for me in HK)

2. Make-up - You can't escape aging, but you sure can cover it up with make-up. :)) I'm a Benefit junkie, and unfortunately for me, Benefit isn't commercially available here in the Philippines (it soon will be, though! They're opening a store in Greenbelt 5, soon! Yayyyy). So if anyone out there is coming from the U.S. or Singapore, here are my favorite Benefit items: "That Gal" brightening face primer (it's the best! From dull to glowing, in seconds!), Dallas bronzing pressed powder (I use this as blush, though), Erase Paste concealer (shade no. 3); Oh, I'm out of black mascara too.

3. Books - I've been so busy lately, that I still haven't waded through my stack of new books at home (uh oh, there goes my 2011 New Year's resolution). But I still would want to receive books for Christmas. New books = ♥. My favorite authors: Nick Bantock, Sophie Kinsella, Philippa Gregory, Cecilia Ahern and Paolo Coehlo. I would also like the following books, please (hehe, my choices are polar opposites, I know):

4. Accessories for my gadgets - screen protector for my MacBook Pro 15", a new keyboard protector (those with air-holes sana), new iPod earphones.


5. Early / successful completion of the house I designed - I know being busy isn't an excuse, but I've been way behind in the awarding of suppliers for the house. I still need to finalize the tiles, the wood flooring, the railing, and the lighting fixtures. :/ Oh, and the paint! :((( Ugh, I'm having palpitations just thinking about this. Double-stress! I still have so much to do!!! This is the sort of wish that I can't rely on anybody else to give me. So I guess I'll just wish that I will still be alive come December 16, so that I can work on the house pronto. :))

 Construction on-going

6. To be Champion in this year's Datem Christmas party presentation - Yep, I wished for this last year and it came true. This year, I STILL WANT TO WIN. Defending Champions, baby! Losing is not an option! (haha, sorry, competitive talaga) 

 The Mind Museum project team -- Champions! :)

7. Enough money for my 2012 travels. ♥ I really should start saving up. I have my plane tickets to all of my destinations already...I just need the pocket money so I can make the most of my trips! Yeaaaah, I can't wait! :)



* * * *


Uh oh. This list is supposed to help me relax, but I can feel the butterflies again. I've procrastinated long enough...it's time to get back to work. I know there are other stuff that I want included here...I just can't think of them at the moment. Haha.

Lord, it's all up to You now. You know what's best for me! Hehe. How about You, what do You want for Christmas / Your birthday? :)

No pain, no gain: the Crossfit Manila experience

I attended a trial session at Crossfit Manila (Fort branch) last night.

It was a last-minute thing, really. Tuesdays are usually reserved for my weekly Pilates classes. However, my Pilates instructor had to cancel class that day, so I was already thinking of doing my back-up exercise plan, which is to run around the Fort. I get bored in the gym very easily (my only view is the pool outside, and I always tend to cut my cardio session short because all I can think of while on the treadmill or elliptical machine is how much I want to jump in the pool); I usually opt to run/walk on the streets (at least the view changes every time...and I don't feel pressured by other gym-goers who can run 30 minutes straight without fainting).

So there...I was already set on doing my 2nd straight night of running/walking/wheezing on the streets of Bonifacio Global City. During lunch break yesterday, however, I was scanning my Twitter timeline and a couple of celebs whom I follow tweeted about @CrossfitMNL (I swear, Twitter is one heck of a marketing tool!). They were saying how their bodies were sore after an intense workout, but how it was "so worth it!" Curious, I did a little bit of research.

I got the following excerpts from their official website:

"Crossfit workouts are a combination of Cardio, Track & Field, Plyometrics, Rowing, Gymnastics, Kettlebell and Weightlifting. You will be doing the workout together with other Crossfitters of all ages and all fitness levels."

Sounds intense, right? I don't even know what "Plyometrics" means (I Googled it just now & it is defined as "a method of training muscle elastic strength and explosiveness to enhance athletic performance"). Even the word "Cardio" strikes fear into my heart, as I still can't run for more than 10 minutes straight (at least I'm improving. Before it was only 5 minutes straight; before that, it was only 2 minutes max). However, the phrase "of all ages and all fitness levels" encouraged me a little bit, as I'm thinking that maybe I won't be the most kulelat in class...I can go at my own pace. 

"There is no other investment for your fitness and the community that will have a better ROI than this. This is the most bad ass cardio, strength and conditioning, weightlifting, gymnastics, kettlebell, rowing, and plyometrics combination workout that you will ever find.  And the best part is that the results in your looks, sport performance, or weight loss will be THE  SHIT! That is the CrossFit MNL guarantee.  Can your gym do that?"

What can I say, I was immediately excited by that guarantee. It's not "you will look LIKE SHIT," but "the results will be THE SHIT." That's a huge difference there. Haha! Of course, this guarantee is only as good as my commitment to participating in the program.

So from the above-descriptions alone (and motivated by the fact that I need a Hawaii-beach-worthy-body come February 2012), I signed up for a free trial session at their Fort branch (it's beside the paintball area of the AFP Gymnasium). I couldn't get any of my friends to come try it with me, so I trekked to "the box" (as crossfitters seem to call their gym) alone, hoping for the best.

I got there 30 minutes early, so I sat around and watched the ones from the previous class do their workout. They were facing the wall, tossing balls (medicine balls, I think they're called) up in the air, doing squats, sit-ups, and then scribbling on a small white board. "Doesn't look too bad," I thought. "My Pilates work-outs should count for something, right?"

So we started with warm-ups. 40 jumping jacks ("Yeah, I can do this, no problem!"); 30 squatting-hopping thingies (I don't think I made it to 30...my thighs were burning by #28. I hate squats!!!); 20 friggin' push-ups (Chest and thighs touch the floor, or else they don't count! So I guess I only effectively did 2. Harhar); and 10 sit-jump thingies ("Does this ever end? Warm-up palang to ah!")

We were then taught the WOD or "Work-out of the Day:" 7 reps each of 4 types of exercises, and we have to do as many as we can in 15 minutes. 15 minutes doesn't sound too long, but man, when I was in the middle of all the exercises and I glanced at the countdown clock for relief, I was like, "What?! Only 4 minutes have passed? 11 more minutes of THIS to go???"

Remember the wall ball exercises I witnessed earlier, wherein I said "doesn't look too bad?" I was so wrong. Those 10-pound balls were heavy, and I had to throw them up in the air from a squatting position. The 2nd exercise is pull-ups. On my 2nd pull-up round, I was resting for a minute or more after the 3rd rep (technically, it was already my 3rd pull-up round since I volunteered to try it during the demo), as my arms were already sore; I couldn't pull my chin above the bar anymore. The box jumps were the easiest for me (easiest nga, pero mahirap parin!), but it really made me short of breath by the 10th jump (on the lowest box pa!). And those burpees! Words cannot explain the pain I felt in trying to execute a proper burpee (I cannot reiterate enough how much I hate squats).

 Photo taken from www.crossfitmnl.com

I am proud of myself that I at least finished 2 whole rounds (the others were able to do 4...the most number of rounds was 7...but at least I didn't do just ONE). I did an incomplete round 3 (was only able to finish the box jumps; when it was wall ball time, the 15-minutes had already run out). I was sweating profusely, weak in the knees, and gasping for air after the work-out, and I was doubting my capability to pull off such an intense exercise regimen. Can I really do this? Am I cut out for this? Am I really willing to subject myself to such torture?

I woke up the next day (today) feeling all sore, cursing the Crossfit gods. But then, I was also very thankful that I was still alive. Haha! I remember feeling the same way after my first-ever Pilates class a year ago; I also remember complaining about how I was the least graceful person in that studio. But look at me now: although I can't say I'm a good Pilates student (my flexibility sucks), at least my form has improved (thanks, muscle-memory), and I can now smirk at the other less-graceful students (I kid, I kid). Today, after my first Crossfit workout, I'm still having a hard time sitting on my office chair (and standing up), but I realize that once the original pain has subsided, I am actually craving for some more. Hopefully I will improve my endurance as time goes by. I now understand why some people can get addicted to this. Uh oh.

I don't know yet if I'll get the 1-month package (the next level is 6-months, and I definitely can't get that due to my numerous trips abroad next year). PhP 3500 for 6 sessions is a bit steep, and I will have to let go of my PhP 3500 for 8 sessions Pilates class next month for me to afford this new exercise regimen.

I really, really want to shape up for my trip to Hawaii next year (flat stomach, you have eluded me for so long!), and aside from starving myself to death (which I cannot do! Ang sarap kumain!), Crossfit is the only viable option I really have. My friend, Sal, is also recommending a TRX workout for me, but her gym is all the way in QC, so I will have to think about it still. I really should be asking a different set of questions than the ones highlighted above: Do I want a flat tummy? Do I want to have toned arms? Do I really want to be able to run at least 3k without stopping? Do I want to conquer those cursed burpees and damned squats??? Uh oh, I think my "ayaw magpatalo" nature is rearing its ugly head.

Bottom line is: I need an effective work-out, and they say Crossfit is REEEAAAALLY effective.

Question is: can I do it in such a way that it will be effective for ME?

What say you?

Aspiring Jet-Setter

4 months ago, I conducted a poll to help me decide where to go for my 30th birthday next year. It was the middle of the year when I wrote that blog post, and I was up to my neck in work (MBA, the Mind Museum, the house, etc.). I was eagerly anticipating 2012, which will mark the end of some of my obligations, so I can FINALLY have some me-time for traveling and relaxing.

I think I got too carried away with the planning. From no travel plans (back then), I am now OVERWHELMED by - not ONE, but - FIVE different trips come 2012.

I should be happy, right? I should be excited! But instead, I am worrying about how much of my vacation leaves this will eat up; I am worried about how much it will cost me (travel expenses PLUS the unpaid leaves); but most of all, I am worried about how this will affect my work. I know that I've said that my obligations will be done by the end of 2011 (MBA - check! Mind Museum - by December! House - by January!), but in trips 1 & 2 alone, I will be using up ALL of my paid leaves, and I don't know if I can focus properly on a new project what with all these "breaks."

Trip 1: Honolulu, Hawaii.
I asked my girl-cousins to join me on my big birthday trip on February 2012. I was planning a solo birthday trip (see previous blog entry), but I thought Hawaii would be so much more fun if I spent it with girls who also want to let loose and have fun. :) The only week when all of us are available is the 3rd week of February, so it's cutting it REAL CLOSE to my trip #2 plans. I might have to fly directly from Honolulu to Melbourne. Jet-setter kung jet-setter! Hahaha! (Total VLs = 6 days)

Trip 2: Melbourne, Australia
A few days after I barraged my cousins with emails about the Hawaii trip, I received a message from my high school kabarkada based in Melbourne, Australia, that we should save the date for her wedding on the 3rd of March. I've been to Melbourne once before, with my parents, and Licua took us around the city, recommended a great steakhouse for us to eat in, and took me around the night spots. I've also been witness to her love failures and love triumphs through the years, so I am not one to miss her get married to the love of her life. Finally, she gets her happy-ever-after! :) (Total VLs = 6 days)

Trip 3: Boracay
Ok, remember that I mentioned in my previous blog entry that I've claimed my free Boracay ticket from my free miles? Well, I have the option to rebook it (for free), but I still do not know for WHEN the adjusted schedule will be. My dad's cousin is getting married in Boracay on March 8, so I'm thinking of making the most of my vacation leave and just go straight to Boracay after arriving home from Melbourne. But because I'll be gone for a total of 2 weeks for trips 1 & 2 alone, this Boracay trip will take the total up to 3 weeks. This should be fine, except that trip #4 is also 3 WEEKS LONG, and trip #5 is 2 WEEKS LONG. Ayayay. I guess I should reschedule this to another month. Question is, when else will I be allowed at least 4 days leave? Maybe I'll schedule it on the next long weekend. I have to ask PAL till when I can rebook it. Augh, what to do, what to do?? (Total VLs = 4 days)

Trip 4: San Diego and Florida, U.S.A.
As a graduation present both for me (MBA) and my baby brother Laurence (high school), my family is going to the U.S. to visit relatives in San Diego and to have some fun-under-the-sun in Floridaaaaa! The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, here we come!!! This trip is going to start during the Holy Week, so at least, I won't be shaving off too much leaves from my total. Oh. Wait. I will have already used up most of the 15-day allotment for vacation leaves in trips 1 & 2. So this will be an unpaid leave...3 weeks of unpaid leave. :/ (Total VLs = 15 days)

Trip 5: Holy Land + Greece + Turkey
My parents have been planning to take another trip to the Holy Land with their travel group, but it always gets postponed due to their busy schedules (my parents are the ultimate jet-setters, so they're always flying off to some out-of-the-country location for a business meeting, conference, or for leisure). The year it will finally push through (2012) also coincides with my 30th year of life, so they decided to bring me along as a 30th birthday present to me (hurray!). I'll be the only "young" person in their group, but who cares? I get to go to Israel, Jordan, Greece and Turkey for FREE!!! (Total VLs, approximately 10 days)

All sounds like fun, right? Bad thing is, I can't go to all of them. My dad is going to kill me if I take a leave for a grand total of 41 working days. Sosyal. So I have to choose a trip (or 2) to drop.

I was originally thinking of dropping Hawaii...but in my heart of hearts, I know that I am already set on riding the waves of the North Shore and I am set on swimming with the dolphins. So even if this trip alone will set me back A LOT of money, I cannot bring myself to postpone this birthday trip. I JUST CAN'T. :( Next option is Australia...but I also cannot stand to know that I will miss Licua's big day. How often will she get married, eh? Knowing that she's a very devout Christian, and her husband-to-be is a Christian pastor, I think it's safe to say that this is a once-in-a-lifetime event.

For trip #3, I wasn't really invited, just my parents. Haha! But it would be convenient to schedule my Boracay trip to coincide with this event because at least my parents are paying for my accommodations. Sneaky! And since the Melbourne wedding is also a beach wedding, at least I can wear the same dress. Thrifty! :))

I definitely can't drop trip #4, because my mom (efficient as she is) already booked our hotels. Galeng. :D

So I guess the only "droppable" trips are #3 and #5. :( Ok, I shouldn't even THINK of how much I really REALLY want to to go the Holy Land (and to Greece! And Turkey!). I shouldn't even THINK that out of all 5 trips, this is 1-of-3 FREE trips I would have had (how crazy am I that I am retaining the 2 most expensive, self-sponsored trips, Hawaii and Australia???). I should just drop trip #5, resched #3 to 2013 if possible, and finally BOOK trips #1 & #2 already!!!

I should also make sure that all balance of works are finished before February 18th. If not, I will be totally, totally screwed. CRUNCH TIME NA!!! To my family and friends, I apologize in advance: since I am throwing all of my money into my 2012 vacation-extravaganza, I won't have a budget left for Christmas presents. :D Kiss and hug nalang. :) I am also accepting donations to the "Sponsor Lesley On A Trip Around the World Foundation." (contact me for bank deposit details, hahaha!)

126 days to go till the adventure(s) of my life!!! Time to get crackin'! Thrift-mode and workaholic mode ON. 

* * * *

Update, as of October 18, 2011.

Just found out that I can only rebook my Boracay ticket up to ONE YEAR after it was issued. I bought it last June 30, 2011, so I will have to rethink my strategy: either I go with my parents to the Boracay wedding (March 8, right after my Melbourne trip); or I book it on the only long weekend of June...June 8-11, 2012). Auuuugh. What do I do???

Planning the BIG 3-0

Update: Oops. Just found out that my parents are bringing me on a trip to the Holy Land + Turkey + Greece in October, as their birthday present for me. So I guess Santorini should be out of the running for my February trip. Sayang, it's the frontrunner pa naman. :( So, please don't vote for it anymore! Hehehe. 

Ok, so I won't be celebrating my birthday till next year, but I've been waiting for it ever since I turned 29 a few months back. I know that 30 shouldn't be a big deal...after all, it's just a number. But after all of the stress of 2011 (see, the year isn't even done yet and I am chalking it up as THE MOST STRESSFUL YEAR OF MY LIFE), I am so hell-bent on making my 30th birthday a stress-free, exciting, and extraordinary celebration!

I'm so stressed that I have already planned a vacation for myself in Boracay for January (redeemed my Mabuhay Miles and got a free ticket to Kalibo, Aklan), and although the project isn't done yet (it WILL be by December, I declare it!), and even if I'm technically not yet done with my MBA (I am supposed to be doing my GlobMa final paper right now, actually. Eep), I am eagerly anticipating 2012 because it will mean FREEDOM from my obligations now.

For sure, there will be new responsibilities next year...but before they come barging into my life, I want a little "ME" time, please. :) And what better way to "celebrate" and to "relax" than with a solo birthday adventure?

I must admit that I wasn't such a big fan of travelling before. Sure, I've had a lot of chances to travel (thanks to my generous and loving parents), but I do not like to fly (I get nauseous and paranoid), I am awful at packing, and I get homesick really easily. But as I grew older (and thanks to my profession), I've come to appreciate the joys of travelling: the new sights, feeling the energy of a new place, experiencing new things, collecting photographs, memories and stories along the way.

For 2011, I vowed to myself that someday, I will travel alone. It all seems so exciting and glamorous and larger-than-life (thanks to Patty Laurel's blog, I've been inspired to travel the world). So, by hook or by crook, I will embark on an adventure come February 2012.

All I need to do now is to decide where to go. ;)

So to my blog readers out there (if there are any), please vote on the poll on the right-hand side of this page (you have to scroll up a biiiiiit...there ya go). And if you have other suggestions, feel free to comment! Please take into consideration the following:

1. I will be travelling alone.
2. I will be travelling in February (Cool is ok, just not freezing, please).
3. I am on a budget (tuh. Which is actually a moot point since all of the choices require a lot of money anyway).

Hurry and vote so I can start planning and saving money!

*Thanks to http://coffeeculturecommunity.blogspot.com/ and http://shesforeverfearless.tumblr.com/ for the pictures I used for this blog entry.

Perfectly Lonely

Maybe it's the weather (rainy, windy, cold, cuddle-weather), but I am feeling a lot lonely lately. Lonely, not in a "depressed-I-want-to-die-I'm-pathetic" kind of way (ewww, diba?), but in a "It-would-be-nice-to-have-someone-to-hug-me" sort. Yeah, yeah, you can tell that this entry is going to be a big ball of mush and cheesiness, so brace yourself for it.

It's weird to think that I've been single for more than a year, now. It's not too long compared to other people, I know, but it's a new thing for me, as I have never been "vacant" for more than, hmm, 6 months, tops? (haha, another "ewww"). It's not something I brag about...but I can't say I'm complaining, either.

And as with singledom, there is a tendency for one to feel a bit lonely sometimes (c'mon, even you "I'm single by choice" girls & boys must admit that you sometimes long for companionship. Admit it, admit it!). There is nothing wrong with feeling loneliness. I learned during my Holy Week retreat that "our loneliness is a manifestation of our longing to be with someone, our longing to be complete, our longing to be with God." Feeling lonely doesn't mean that you are weak or that you are dependent on others. It just means that you admit to yourself that you are not invincible, that you need support from others, that you need to share the love that is within you (and isn't that how God intended love to be? To be shared?).

Now that I think about it, I realize that it's a happy-sort-of-lonely (if there is ever such a thing). I feel optimistic. I feel as if this is just the lull that is preparing me for the flurry of fireworks that will happen eventually. It's kind of refreshing, really. If I had known that this is what it feels like to be single and free (no complications, no drama, no tampo, no burdens), I would've done this a long time ago (haha, I kid, obviously).

"And this is not to say there never comes a day I'll take my chances and start again. And when I look behind on all my younger times, I'll have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong." - from Perfectly Lonely, by John Mayer.

This past year was a year of firsts, and although I had some doubts and fears, I can also say that I took a lot of chances. Contrary to popular belief, failure IS exhilarating. I've enjoyed it immensely (but I do want to succeed sometimes, of course. God, now is a good time for that to start). This past year I've experienced "dating" for the first time (and I figured out that it really isn't for me); I've experienced traveling alone; I've experienced making the first move and I asked someone out (and got rejected. Haha. Ouch. Style ko kasi bulok).

Looking back, I see that I have such a low success rate for all of the risks I've taken (in other words, "sawi!"). This should be enough to make me scared and jaded and cautious and hesitant...but I've realized that all this has made me feel proud of myself. Who knew that I had the balls to do all of the above? If you had told me a year ago that I'll be going out on dates, or that I'll be asking some random hot guy out, I will probably assume that you were talking about a different Lesley: a confident, outgoing, and exciting Lesley, not the quiet, shy, and introverted Lesley whom I've always assumed I was.

Who knew? Even I surprise myself sometimes. :)

But even amidst all of the excitement of crushes and dating and eye candy, and even if I know full well that I am too busy (and I am too damn old) for the complications of dating and love, there is still a part of me that is hoping for something that will last beyond the kilig and (my pathetic attempts at) flirting.

"Staying home alone on a Friday. Flat on the floor looking back on old love (or lack thereof). After all the crushes have faded, and all my wishful thinking was wrong, I'm jaded. I hate it. I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here." - from Love Song for No One by John Mayer

Is it really as simple as just wishing for someone to hug? Am I really ready to dive headfirst into a relationship just so I can feel secure and safe and loved? Or have I always been ready, and I'm just waiting for someone who is ready for me? :)

"I might have to wait, I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life." - from Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble

For now, I think I am perfectly fine being lonely (I think my weak moments are just caused by these songs preaching about future loves. Haha). I've been busy with work, super busy with school (konti nalaaaang), that my only free time is reserved for R&R time for myself and precious bonding time with my dear friends. Who has time for love? Who has time for heartbreak (haha, and I say that with no bitterness in my heart)?

So for now, I'll just have to endure the cold. A nice, warm, fuzzy hoodie can keep me company till the time the right person is ready for the right me.

Coming Soon: Travel Blog

I am inspired by Patty Laurel's blog (http://dapattylaurel.blogspot.com) -- it's full of anecdotes about her travels around the world! She's 28 years old, and she has been to 27 countries already...what a feat.

I'm 29, and I've only been to 8. So that's only, what, 1 country every 3.6 years?? BOO.

So over the next few years, I am aiming to up my record. 11 more countries to reach a 1-country-per-year target? Or is that being too ambitious? Dapat pala 12, since I'm turning 30 soon. :/

Oh well. While I wait to be free (free from stress, free from StraMa, free from financial tethers), I will try to blog about my past travels. :) Will post non-humiliating pictures of the trips, too.

Around the world we gooooo! :)

Listening to the Silence

For the past several years, I have always spent Holy Week with my family, either relaxing at home, or in some out-of-town or out-of-the-country destination. Just last year, we spent it in Bellarocca, an island resort in Marinduque, Philippines. The year before that, we were in Beijing, China. We would still do the usual Lenten practices (such as Bisita Iglesia, Stations of the Cross), and we would never fail to visit the churches in the area for mass or for thanksgiving for a safe trip. But as in all vacations, there will always be some activity to keep us busy, a tourist attraction to make us awestruck, or plenty of food to keep us full and happy.

This year, though, we're spending Holy Week in 2 separate places: 1/2 of my family is in Vancouver, Canada, visiting friends, while the other half (which includes me) remains here in the Philippines. The ones who remained here had different Holy Week plans: One went to Subic, one went to sleep over at a friend's house, and one spent 3-days in a Silent Retreat in Cavite.

Guess which one I was?

This is my first retreat in 5 years, and the first Silent Retreat I've had EVER. The last retreat I attended (Life's Directions) wasn't a silent one, and it definitely wasn't a choice I made on my own ("Why are you in this retreat?" "Because my mom forced me to go!"). This year, after a "flash of inspiration," I searched and scoured Google for the keywords "Holy Week 2011 Silent Retreat in Tagaytay/Baguio/Manila." After finding several options that were either fully booked already or were not open to outsiders, I was able to get accepted into Christian Life Community's (CLC) retreat in Trece Martires, Cavite (the Baguio retreat was already full...and besides, I didn't want to drive all the way up to Baguio by myself).

(Just a side-kuwento: When I told my family of my Holy Week plans, my brother jokingly said "First the birthday outreach, now this? Mag-mamadre ka ba?" My dad said "Yes!" and I immediately gave him a piercing look after. Hahaha!)

In the past, when I would hear stories about how my parents or my friends would go to a "silent retreat," I'd say to myself that I can never ever do something like that; I didn't think I could stand being so silent for so long. I mean, I'm not a talkative person, but I'm also not too serious. Little did I know that I would yearn for silence; that there will come a time in my life when I will go looking for a chance to slow down and reflect. This past year has been a flurry of changes and strenuous thinking/feeling, so I guess I needed to recharge and reconnect (with myself and with God).

I didn't have any plans of writing/blogging about my retreat experience, as it was a very personal journey for me (and there is just TOO MUCH to say about it; I am overflowing with "aha moments."). But this morning, as I returned to the daily grind, I was struck by a song playing on my iPod -- I guess in the noise and stress of my life, the only way God can really have Himself be heard over the din is through the music I listen to.

This song tells us about the two most difficult (and when you think about it, very different from each other) tasks that God is always asking us to do: "Wait" and "Let go." This song sums up everything that I've realized over the retreat: God's message to me to patiently wait, to keep the faith, to continue on hoping, and to be grateful. I've heard more in this silence than I've ever had amidst all the noise.

My journey of self-discovery continues, but I know that when I reach the apex, I will not be disappointed.

"...and as I wait, I will rise up like the eagle."

* * * *

Enough To Let Me Go

by Switchfoot

Oh

I'm a wandering soul

I'm still walking the line that leads me home

Alone

All I know

I still got mountains to climb

On my own

On my own

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through

To let me fall for you, my love

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Back from the dead of winter

Back from the dead and all our leaves are dry

You're so beautiful tonight

Back from the dead we went through

Back from the dead and both our tongues are tied

You look beautiful tonight

But every seed dies before it grows

Do you love me enough to let me go?

To let me follow through

To let me fall for you

Do you love me enough to let me go?

Breathe it in

And let it go

Every breath you take is not yours to own

It's not yours to hold

Do you love me enough to let me go?

The Art of Waiting

One of my pet peeves is being made to wait. When I make a business appointment or a date with someone, I make it a point to be on time. I can't claim to be on time ALL THE TIME, but I expect some amount of effort from the person I am meeting to make it to the meeting place at a reasonable time (10-15 minutes late is still tolerable). I guess this stems from the fact that I am uncomfortable being by myself in public places (an exception is when I have my laptop with me, or a good book...then I can stay in a coffee shop by myself for hours). My worst experience was when I was made to wait for 2 hours (you know who you are, Diane. HAHAHA).

However, given this pet peeve of mine, I consider myself to be a pretty patient person in "other" aspects (maybe to the point of being naive, yeah?). Sometimes I think I have *too much* faith in people: I wait for them to reach the potential which I assume is there; I wait for them to prove me right; I wait for them to come back; I wait for them to arrive.

And more often than not, I wait too long.

Well, fortunately (for me), for the past few months, I've mastered the art of being alone. And with this new-found skill, I've realized that waiting doesn't mean that I have to be stationary or stagnant. Waiting means that I can go on at my own pace. It means going full-speed ahead towards the direction I wish to take, and hoping (crossing my fingers), that no matter how fast and far I'm going, someone out there has the sense (and the heart) to catch up with me. Someday. :)

All systems go. I still have a lot of ground to cover. Cannot afford to wait around for the slow ones.

* * * *

Wait
by Get Set Go

Wait, wait for the dawn my dear
Wait till the sun gets here
And you will wait too long he will be gone
Wait, wait till the sun shines through
Wait till the sky is blue
And you will wait too long he will be gone, he will be gone

Ooh, he will be gone
Ooh, he will be gone

Wait, wait till the signs are right
Wait till the perfect time
And you will wait too long he will be gone, he will be gone

Ooh, he will be gone
Ooh, he will be gone

La la la la la ...

Wait till you don't doubt no more
Wait till you know for sure
And you will wait too long he will be gone now

Panic

There have been a lot of natural disasters happening around the world recently -- like the earthquake in Churchill, New Zealand and the tsunami in Japan. There are man-made tragedies and accidents too, such as the Eton gondola disaster. Because of these recent events, people have become more vigilant about safety standards and emergency preparedness.

Just last week, a representative of the Metro Manila Development Authority conducted a 2-hour seminar on Fire Prevention and Earthquake / Disaster Preparedness. The presentation was very informative: with pictures of past disasters; detailed explanation of the cause and nature of fire; detailed description of how an earthquake occurs; statistics; studies on what will happen to Metro Manila if/when an earthquake occurs (which places will be the most affected); and tips & procedures on what to do in case of fire / earthquake.

While listening to the presentation (and viewing the very graphic pictures of disasters), I remembered the time we went to the Safety Theme Park in Daegu, South Korea. Yes, you read it right: a theme park dedicated to SAFETY. They have a Living Safety Exhibition Hall where they educate you on mountain safety, mountain fire, and an interactive exhibit showcasing indoor and outdoor earthquake missions; a Disaster Prevention Future Hall; and their main feature, the Subway Safety Exhibition Hall.

This Safety Park was built as a response to the Daegu Subway Arson Attack in 2009. It's mission is to educate visitors that everybody is responsible for their own safety, as well as the others surrounding them. The main "event" is the movie showing the before-and-after scenes (reenactment) of the subway fire. After the (very touching and very shocking) video, visitors are then taken into the next room, where the actual (burned) subway car is displayed in a replica of the subway station. It was truly an eye-opener for me to watch a reenactment of what happened (they told the story through the eyes of teenage girl who was in the train). It was eerie seeing the actual subway car, and the room was respectfully quiet as everyone surveyed the scene.

But the experience doesn't end there. A short orientation video was shown on subway safety, where they demonstrated the steps to be followed in case of a subway accident. We were taken into a subway car, where emergency procedures will be simulated: we had to learn how to open the subway door manually, and then use the glow-in-the-dark stickers on the floor as our guide to exit the station. Sounds pretty easy, right?

Not really. Especially when the air is thick with smoke, and those stickers are rendered useless.

I was paralyzed with fear. I remember trying to drag my feet, groping my way out of that hazy mess, and losing track of my group mates. The others were quick on their feet and were out of the room in no time: I could hear them chatting and laughing in a place far away from where I was standing. I couldn't see where I was going, and therefore, I was scared shitless of bumping or tripping into something. Pretty stupid, right, as this was only a simulation? But my brain shut down, and I couldn't move.

After a few minutes (it seemed like eternity to me), I could hear the voices of my team, who were apparently out of the smoke. They've been waiting for me to go out, and they were getting worried that it was taking me so long. They "dispatched" someone to come and get me, and when I heard his voice call out through the haze, I flailed my arms around trying to see if I could grab onto him and get the hell out of there.

Panic attack. That's the only phrase that can describe what I went through. I am rendered useless in a disaster, as my fear takes over all of my motor skills. I know that this is really bad (not to mention inconvenient), and I should learn to overcome this tendency. I don't want to be a burden to my companions if or when a disaster strikes.

The recent events are a wake-up call for all of us: we should never take safety for granted. Being caught-of-guard during a disaster is...well, disastrous. If we have the presence-of-mind and the due diligence to ensure our personal safety, this can be a starting point for also ensuring the safety of others.

Be safe. The life you save could be your own.

5% of the countries in the world

5%?

Hopefully, I can add 2 more countries to this list, this year. Guam, USA in June, and Vietnam in July *keeping my fingers crossed* (and hoping my boss will actually sign my leave); and then at least 3 more next year (UK for the Olympics! Then side trips to France and Italy. And maybe a new State for my 30th birthday).

That's the plan.

Time to save up!

Create your own travel map


Lesley has traveled to: Australia, China, Hong Kong, Malaysia, Philippines, Singapore, South Korea, United Arab Emirates, United States, USA States: Arizona, California, Florida, Maryland, Massachusetts, Nevada, New York, Virginia

T@$*%nang Lyrics 'Yan: The Legacy of Sugarfree

This is it. The end of Sugarfree's 12-year stint in the Philippine Music Scene (PMS?). 12 years of heart-felt lyrics on life and love. 12 years of "personal" anthems...of songs that several people claim to be "theirs."

I was at their farewell concert last night (Sugarfree Live: Paalam Pilipinas), and in the middle of the sweaty, smelly crowd, I found myself in a trance (in other words: TULALA). I felt my heart soar and plummet to the ground several times...like I could relate to each and every song at that specific moment. It's been awhile since I've been to a local gig (foreign acts in Araneta Coliseum & MOA concert grounds do not count)...and I must admit that I missed it -- feeling the energy of the crowd, getting carried away by their passion, getting carried away by my passion, feeling the beat of the bass and the drums, getting lost in the lights, singing along and feeling every note.

(On a related note: I miss concert photography. I miss being able to aim my camera's lens towards the bright, colorful stage...and getting a really good shot out of it, despite the darkness that surrounds it. Nothing beats a concert photo...you can feel the color, the energy, and the music coming out of the jpeg file. *see what I mean by checking out my concert photos from before, here.* I will post the photos from last night, soon.)

I don't know what it is about Sugarfree's music, but their words really hit you straight on. Unapologetically emotional, openly bigo, heart-wrenching, and painfully TRUE. Listen to any one of their songs and I'll be damned if you can't relate to at least 1 line in their whole discography.

It's not just the words...the melodies FIT. Ebe's voice has this pleading, emo quality that grabs your heart and squeezes it as you listen to it. It's like he knows what you've been through...he can feel your pain/bliss/despair...he sees right into your heart and speaks exactly what's on your mind. Yes, so I'm being a bit melodramatic here...but take a look at some of the poignant lyrics below and see if you are not reduced into a puddle of mush after.

Everybody can relate to love/unrequited love/infatuation/loss/heartbreak/falling/disappointment/regret. Sugarfree's music tells us the stories of our lives. We listen to them, reminisce, relive the pain...and we keep coming back for more.

* * * *

Words of attraction and true love:

"Pagka't sa isang taong mahal mo ng buong puso

Lahat ay gagawin

Makita kang muli..." -- Makita Kang Muli

"Nalalasing sa 'yong tingin

Di malaman-laman ang gagawin...

Habang lumalim ang gabi

ay lumalapit ang ating mga labi!" -- Prom, Dramachine

"Alam mo bang kanina pa ako magdamag ng nakatingin sayo?

At di mo lang alam

Sa gitna ng kadilimang, di mapakali

Ako'y nabighani..." -- Mariposa, Sa Wakas

Words of comfort:

"Wag ka nang umiyak

Mahaba man ang araw

Uuwi ka sa yakap ko." -- Wag Ka Nang Umiyak, Tala-Arawan

"Tulog na, mahal ko

At baka bukas ngingiti ka sa wakas

At sabay nating haharapin ang mundo

Tulog na...hayaan na muna natin sila." -- Tulog Na, Dramachine

Desperate words:

"Tinatawag kita

Sinusuyo kita

Di mo man marinig

Di mo man madama..." -- Burnout, Sa Wakas

"Ngayong gabi 'pag nagri-ring ang telepono

Ikaw ang naiisip ko

Tumawag ka, tumawag ka...darling, please

Tumawag ka naman..." -- Telepono, Sa Wakas

Words on change and goodbye:

"Kung iisipin mo

Di naman dati ganito

Teka muna, teka lang

Kelan tayo nailang?" -- Burnout, Sa Wakas

"Oh, hello? Di na kita naintindihan.

Malabo na ba ang linya sa ating dalawa?" -- Telepono, Sa Wakas

"Kapansin pansin ang iyong ganda ngayong gabi

At ang lungkot sa iyong mga ngiti

Ang kislap sa iyong mga mata'y wala na...

Kita sa iyong tinging nagsasabing

Tapos na ang lahat sa atin." -- Huling Gabi, Tala-Arawan

Words of regret:

"Pagkakataong mawawala kapag di hinawakan
Madudulas kapag di iningatan..." -- Hintay, Sa Wakas

"Nasanay lang sigurong nandiyan ka

Di ko inakalang puwede kang mawala

Ayan na nga..." -- Unang Araw, Sa Wakas

"Nagsisising matatapos ang gabing alam nating meron nang taning

Nagsisising gigising sa katototohanang di ka naman talaga akin..." -- Mariposa, Sa Wakas

Words about remembering and wondering:

"Walang ilaw...brownout sa aking mundo
Sa init naiinip
Sa dilim nangangapa
Naalala tuloy kita..." -- Kandila, Dramachine

Sino ang unang bumitaw? Sino ang unang bumigay?
(Minahal kita hanggang sa kahuli-huli)
Sino ang unang bumitaw? Sino ang unang bumigay?
(Saan ba tayo nagkamali?) -- Huling Gabi, Tala-Arawan

"Ngayong wala ka na
Kailangang masanay na muling nag-iisa
Sa'n ka na kaya?" -- Unang Araw, Sa Wakas


Moving on, letting go:

"Di ko na kayang mabuhay sa kahapon
Kaya mula ngayon...
Magpapaalam na sayo ang aking kuwarto." -- Kuwarto, Dramachine

Love Someone

The past year has been a great journey of love for me.

And when I say "love," I mean "LOVE" -- a term that encompasses EVERYTHING: joy, sorrow, pain, happiness, kilig, enchantment, disappointment, ecstasy, passion, bliss, forgiveness, acceptance, fear, freedom...EVERYTHING.

It has been a grueling, exciting, tiring, exhilarating, humbling, record-breaking, jolting, mind-blowing year, and I am emerging a better person because of it. So this entry -- aside from an attempt to use up every imaginable adjective for love (haha) -- is about my realizations about myself.

I am a loving spirit. I don't say this to pat myself on the back, or to boost my self-esteem. I say it because it is part of my being, it is part of my programming, it is something I practice each and every day.

I love.

My soul willingly, unquestioningly, eagerly puts itself out there for love. I am here to give love -- and sometimes, if I'm lucky -- to receive love. I realize, when you open yourself up to anything, you let in everything -- love, pain, bliss, despair -- you have to be ready to face it all.

And that's what happened to me: I took a leap (of faith), and jumped over the edge. I fell. I soared. I crashed. I burned....and I survived it all. :) I guess that makes me pretty damn fearless. And the adrenaline rush it gave me...no other feeling in the world can quite compare.

I feel like I'm permanently inlove, and I choose to stay this way.

And I am inlove: with my job, with my life, with you (yes, you), and with the person I am now. :)

Love someone. It is enough to turn everything around. ♥

"Keep on believing, don't give in.

It'll come and make you whole again.

It always will, it always does...

Love is unstoppable."

* * * *

To drive my point, below is an excerpt from Adrian Tan's commencement speech to the NTU graduating class of 2008

It is far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the true worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Roll With Me

Someday you will meet the Big O who will make you realize that you are not a missing piece...and who will make you realize that you are not looking for someone to complete you and take you somewhere.

You are your own piece and you can roll on your own...or roll alongside someone else. :)

Well, what are you waiting for? Roll with me. :)


* * * *


The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

by Shel Silverstein

The missing piece sat alone...
waiting for someone to come along and take it somewhere.

Some fit...
But could not roll.

Others could roll, but did not fit.

One didn't know a thing about fitting.
And another didn't know a thing about anything.

One was too delicate.

One put it on a pedestal...
and left it there.

Some had too many pieces missing.
Some had too many pieces, period.

It learned to hide from the hungry ones.

More came.

Some looked too closely.
Others rolled right by without noticing.

It tried to make itself more attractive...
It didn't help.

It tried being flashy
but that just frightened away the shy ones.

At last, one came along that fit just right.

But all of a sudden...
the missing piece began to grow!
And grow!

"I didn't know you were going to grow."

"I didn't know it either," said the missing piece.

"I'm looking for my missing piece, one that won't increase..."

And then one day, one came along who looked different.

"What do you want of me?" asked the missing piece.

"Nothing."

"What do you need from me?"

"Nothing."

"Who are you?" asked the missing piece.

"I am the Big O," said the Big O.

"I think you are the one I have been waiting for," said the missing piece. "Maybe I am your missing piece."

"But I am not missing a piece," said the Big O. "There is no place you would fit."

"That is too bad," said the missing piece. "I was hoping that perhaps I could roll with you..."

"You cannot roll with me," said the Big O, "but perhaps you can roll by yourself."

"By myself? A missing piece cannot roll by itself."

"Have you ever tried?" asked the Big O.

"But I have sharp corners," said the missing piece. "I am not shaped for rolling."

"Corners wear off," said the Big O, "and shapes change. Anyhow, I must say good-bye. Perhaps we will meet again..."

And away it rolled.

The missing piece was alone again.

For a long time, it just sat there.

Then...
Slowly...
It lifted itself up on one end...

Then lift...pull...flop...
...and flopped over.

It began to move forward...

And soon, it's edges began to wear off...

Liftpullflopliftpullflop...

And its shape began to change...

And then it was bumping instead of flopping...
And then it was bouncing instead of bumping...
And then it was rolling instead of bouncing...
And it didn't know where, and it didn't care.

It was rolling!

(For the narrative + illustrations, click here)

Valentine's Day 2011

‎"To love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee." 

Is there any other, more sincere way to love? 

Wishing you all inspiration, to push you to go beyond what is expected

...courage, to be able to take that leap into the unknown

...and faith, to keep on believing in love, even in the most trying of times. 

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Spread the love. ♥

Mothers Know Best

It amazes me sometimes how my mom worries about me being too "dedma lang." It's like she really believes that I'm this aloof, manhid person. She worries about me because she thinks I am holding back my emotions; that I am only showing this poker face, when deep inside, I have a brewing pot of emotions just waiting to explode.

She has always been bugging me to change my domain name in yahoo (dedma_lang), because for her, there's a negative connotation to being "patay malisya." For her, it's like being heartless, empty and void of all emotion.

It surprises me, because I know that this "dedma lang" persona of mine is just a front. *I* know that I am the most emotional person in the world (an exaggeration, but it shows you how ma-drama I am sometimes. Hahaha). *I* know that I am not NR -- I care. Sometimes I care too much. *I* know how affected I can be over things that are within / beyond my control. I didn't even realize that I was fulfilling this role so effectively. All the while, I thought I was a crappy poser of this "dedma lang" mantra. Maybe it has instilled itself so seamlessly into my system that I didn't notice it.

Well, maybe that's just it: *I* know I'm not really dedma, because *I* am the only one who can feel these things. I am the only one aware of my emotions. I realize that over the years, I've learned to edit my emotions -- at least, those which I show to the world. There are only a few people to whom I show my weak side. Yes, I am a sentimental / emotional / romantic girl -- I love sappy movies, happy and sad songs make me cry, and I am (not-so-secretly) wishing for my own fairy tale / movie moment(s). But that doesn't mean that every single person in the world knows that I can be reduced into a puddle of mush every time I experience heart ache. It doesn't mean that I wallow in self-pity every time things do not go my way. I may be nice; I may be considered "malumanay" and "mahinhin" by most people; I may trust too much to the point of being gullible some times; but that doesn't mean I allow other people to walk all over me.

I am hell bent on being "dedma lang" for fear of exposing too much of my being; for fear of being perceived as weak; for fear of giving too much and not getting anything back. It's self-preservation, see?

Hmm. So I guess my mom has a point. Maybe I do give off an unaffected air; maybe I do look "dedma lang." I don't know how she sees it. Mother's intuition? Or maybe my eyes convey my emotions more clearly than the rest of my face? No matter how hard I try to hide it, my mom still gets it. I hope I'm as intuitive as she is when I become a mother.

Just last month, my mom and I were bonding over lunch:

Ma: "Who took your picture, the one where you were some sort of diwata? You should ask them to take your picture again, now."

Les: "Project Nebula. Why should I ask them that?"

Ma: "Because you look so different now. In your picture, your eyes looked so sad..."

Les: "As compared to...?"

Ma: "If they took your picture again now, it's a different person altogether."

(Ma starts to get teary-eyed)

Les: "Ma! Why are you crying??"

Ma: "I'm just happy you're happy."

She didn't expound on it, but I felt that she really was relieved that I was "out of the woods." I guess, as a mom, she got caught up in the dark cloud I was in, even without me inviting her into it. She didn't want to meddle: even back then, I felt her pain in wanting to reach out, but deciding to hold back. She wanted me to figure things out for myself, I guess. And maybe - although it pained her - she felt that I would just retreat back into my shell if she even attempted to help.

She was one of the few people who noticed a change in me the past few months. I guess the change is pretty obvious -- the way my face looks more relaxed (no more perpetual frown), the way my smile looks more genuine (and how it appears on my face more often), and how my eyes light up from within (a sparkle? My pupils dilating? No more dull black void? Haha). I had risen from the dead, and she was one of the few who welcomed me back with open arms.

I guess all moms are connected to their children in an emotional level...even without words, even from afar. I appreciate it when I know she grieves with me when I'm sad...and I'm happy when she's happy for me. Even if I am the only one who understands my emotions, it is nice to know that another person empathizes with me in some way. Maybe the reason why she resents my "dedma lang" persona is because it is like a wall I put up to keep people away...on the other side of this wall are people (like her) who just want to reach out and help me deal with my emotions. Or maybe just reach out and give me a hug. :)

Mothers always know best. And she knows that all I really need (at any time, any place, happy or sad) is to know that somebody cares. :)