Mothers Know Best

It amazes me sometimes how my mom worries about me being too "dedma lang." It's like she really believes that I'm this aloof, manhid person. She worries about me because she thinks I am holding back my emotions; that I am only showing this poker face, when deep inside, I have a brewing pot of emotions just waiting to explode.

She has always been bugging me to change my domain name in yahoo (dedma_lang), because for her, there's a negative connotation to being "patay malisya." For her, it's like being heartless, empty and void of all emotion.

It surprises me, because I know that this "dedma lang" persona of mine is just a front. *I* know that I am the most emotional person in the world (an exaggeration, but it shows you how ma-drama I am sometimes. Hahaha). *I* know that I am not NR -- I care. Sometimes I care too much. *I* know how affected I can be over things that are within / beyond my control. I didn't even realize that I was fulfilling this role so effectively. All the while, I thought I was a crappy poser of this "dedma lang" mantra. Maybe it has instilled itself so seamlessly into my system that I didn't notice it.

Well, maybe that's just it: *I* know I'm not really dedma, because *I* am the only one who can feel these things. I am the only one aware of my emotions. I realize that over the years, I've learned to edit my emotions -- at least, those which I show to the world. There are only a few people to whom I show my weak side. Yes, I am a sentimental / emotional / romantic girl -- I love sappy movies, happy and sad songs make me cry, and I am (not-so-secretly) wishing for my own fairy tale / movie moment(s). But that doesn't mean that every single person in the world knows that I can be reduced into a puddle of mush every time I experience heart ache. It doesn't mean that I wallow in self-pity every time things do not go my way. I may be nice; I may be considered "malumanay" and "mahinhin" by most people; I may trust too much to the point of being gullible some times; but that doesn't mean I allow other people to walk all over me.

I am hell bent on being "dedma lang" for fear of exposing too much of my being; for fear of being perceived as weak; for fear of giving too much and not getting anything back. It's self-preservation, see?

Hmm. So I guess my mom has a point. Maybe I do give off an unaffected air; maybe I do look "dedma lang." I don't know how she sees it. Mother's intuition? Or maybe my eyes convey my emotions more clearly than the rest of my face? No matter how hard I try to hide it, my mom still gets it. I hope I'm as intuitive as she is when I become a mother.

Just last month, my mom and I were bonding over lunch:

Ma: "Who took your picture, the one where you were some sort of diwata? You should ask them to take your picture again, now."

Les: "Project Nebula. Why should I ask them that?"

Ma: "Because you look so different now. In your picture, your eyes looked so sad..."

Les: "As compared to...?"

Ma: "If they took your picture again now, it's a different person altogether."

(Ma starts to get teary-eyed)

Les: "Ma! Why are you crying??"

Ma: "I'm just happy you're happy."

She didn't expound on it, but I felt that she really was relieved that I was "out of the woods." I guess, as a mom, she got caught up in the dark cloud I was in, even without me inviting her into it. She didn't want to meddle: even back then, I felt her pain in wanting to reach out, but deciding to hold back. She wanted me to figure things out for myself, I guess. And maybe - although it pained her - she felt that I would just retreat back into my shell if she even attempted to help.

She was one of the few people who noticed a change in me the past few months. I guess the change is pretty obvious -- the way my face looks more relaxed (no more perpetual frown), the way my smile looks more genuine (and how it appears on my face more often), and how my eyes light up from within (a sparkle? My pupils dilating? No more dull black void? Haha). I had risen from the dead, and she was one of the few who welcomed me back with open arms.

I guess all moms are connected to their children in an emotional level...even without words, even from afar. I appreciate it when I know she grieves with me when I'm sad...and I'm happy when she's happy for me. Even if I am the only one who understands my emotions, it is nice to know that another person empathizes with me in some way. Maybe the reason why she resents my "dedma lang" persona is because it is like a wall I put up to keep people away...on the other side of this wall are people (like her) who just want to reach out and help me deal with my emotions. Or maybe just reach out and give me a hug. :)

Mothers always know best. And she knows that all I really need (at any time, any place, happy or sad) is to know that somebody cares. :)