I Killed A Cat

I feel terrible.

I was out late last night, and I was already half-asleep as I was driving home (yeah, I know, it's dangerous. In my opinion, it feels more uncontrollable than drunk driving). I already made it into my village, and in my mind, I was already picturing myself asleep in bed.

The next time I opened my eyes (I think around 5 seconds of sleep?), I glimpsed a white adolescent cat (not a kitten, not a grown-up cat..."medium-sized," as I relayed to my sister) crossing the street. There was no more time to avoid it, and I felt a "crunch" under my tires.

I feel terrible.

I was too chicken to go back and see if it was still OK (but judging from the crunch, I highly doubt it). I immediately called Sheldon to tell him about what happened, and he tried to calm me down by telling me that I shouldn't dwell on it anymore, and that it was not my fault.

But it was. I should have been more...awake. :(

Wah. I need a hug. :(

I still feel terrible. :( I cried when I got home (sabi nga ni Mama, ang OA ko daw, pusa lang naman daw yun). I cried myself to sleep, thinking how awful it feels to be responsible for taking away a life (yeah, so medyo OA nga ako, so what?).

A few years back, I witnessed a kitten being run over by an FX. It was so small that it spun around with the wheel a few times before it fell to the ground. I was traumatized for days. When I see roadkill on the streets, I get so angry that I wish karma on the driver. And now that I have blood on my hands (cat blood), I feel as if I'm a hypocrite, and that my karma is on it's way soon. :'(

I really hope that I didn't kill it. Maybe I just bumped it aside, or ran over its tail (I didn't hear it screech/wail, though). Or maybe it wasn't really a cat...just a huge, white rat. Wah, I'm desperate for a positive thought. :(

I can't handle this, I can't believe I killed something. :( To the cat, wherever you are: I'm sorry. I really really feel bad. I know that that thought doesn't help at all (especially since you might be already dead. And also since you're a cat, and you don't understand English), but I just want to throw it out to the universe. There. Sorry. :(