It's weird to think that I've been single for more than a year, now. It's not too long compared to other people, I know, but it's a new thing for me, as I have never been "vacant" for more than, hmm, 6 months, tops? (haha, another "ewww"). It's not something I brag about...but I can't say I'm complaining, either.
And as with singledom, there is a tendency for one to feel a bit lonely sometimes (c'mon, even you "I'm single by choice" girls & boys must admit that you sometimes long for companionship. Admit it, admit it!). There is nothing wrong with feeling loneliness. I learned during my Holy Week retreat that "our loneliness is a manifestation of our longing to be with someone, our longing to be complete, our longing to be with God." Feeling lonely doesn't mean that you are weak or that you are dependent on others. It just means that you admit to yourself that you are not invincible, that you need support from others, that you need to share the love that is within you (and isn't that how God intended love to be? To be shared?).
Now that I think about it, I realize that it's a happy-sort-of-lonely (if there is ever such a thing). I feel optimistic. I feel as if this is just the lull that is preparing me for the flurry of fireworks that will happen eventually. It's kind of refreshing, really. If I had known that this is what it feels like to be single and free (no complications, no drama, no tampo, no burdens), I would've done this a long time ago (haha, I kid, obviously).
"And this is not to say there never comes a day I'll take my chances and start again. And when I look behind on all my younger times, I'll have to thank the wrongs that led me to a love so strong." - from Perfectly Lonely, by John Mayer.
This past year was a year of firsts, and although I had some doubts and fears, I can also say that I took a lot of chances. Contrary to popular belief, failure IS exhilarating. I've enjoyed it immensely (but I do want to succeed sometimes, of course. God, now is a good time for that to start). This past year I've experienced "dating" for the first time (and I figured out that it really isn't for me); I've experienced traveling alone; I've experienced making the first move and I asked someone out (and got rejected. Haha. Ouch. Style ko kasi bulok).
Looking back, I see that I have such a low success rate for all of the risks I've taken (in other words, "sawi!"). This should be enough to make me scared and jaded and cautious and hesitant...but I've realized that all this has made me feel proud of myself. Who knew that I had the balls to do all of the above? If you had told me a year ago that I'll be going out on dates, or that I'll be asking some random hot guy out, I will probably assume that you were talking about a different Lesley: a confident, outgoing, and exciting Lesley, not the quiet, shy, and introverted Lesley whom I've always assumed I was.
Who knew? Even I surprise myself sometimes. :)
But even amidst all of the excitement of crushes and dating and eye candy, and even if I know full well that I am too busy (and I am too damn old) for the complications of dating and love, there is still a part of me that is hoping for something that will last beyond the kilig and (my pathetic attempts at) flirting.
Is it really as simple as just wishing for someone to hug? Am I really ready to dive headfirst into a relationship just so I can feel secure and safe and loved? Or have I always been ready, and I'm just waiting for someone who is ready for me? :)
For now, I think I am perfectly fine being lonely (I think my weak moments are just caused by these songs preaching about future loves. Haha). I've been busy with work, super busy with school (konti nalaaaang), that my only free time is reserved for R&R time for myself and precious bonding time with my dear friends. Who has time for love? Who has time for heartbreak (haha, and I say that with no bitterness in my heart)?
So for now, I'll just have to endure the cold. A nice, warm, fuzzy hoodie can keep me company till the time the right person is ready for the right me.
Who knew? Even I surprise myself sometimes. :)
But even amidst all of the excitement of crushes and dating and eye candy, and even if I know full well that I am too busy (and I am too damn old) for the complications of dating and love, there is still a part of me that is hoping for something that will last beyond the kilig and (my pathetic attempts at) flirting.
"Staying home alone on a Friday. Flat on the floor looking back on old love (or lack thereof). After all the crushes have faded, and all my wishful thinking was wrong, I'm jaded. I hate it. I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here." - from Love Song for No One by John Mayer
Is it really as simple as just wishing for someone to hug? Am I really ready to dive headfirst into a relationship just so I can feel secure and safe and loved? Or have I always been ready, and I'm just waiting for someone who is ready for me? :)
"I might have to wait, I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing and the other half's luck. Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere and into my life." - from Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Buble
For now, I think I am perfectly fine being lonely (I think my weak moments are just caused by these songs preaching about future loves. Haha). I've been busy with work, super busy with school (konti nalaaaang), that my only free time is reserved for R&R time for myself and precious bonding time with my dear friends. Who has time for love? Who has time for heartbreak (haha, and I say that with no bitterness in my heart)?
So for now, I'll just have to endure the cold. A nice, warm, fuzzy hoodie can keep me company till the time the right person is ready for the right me.
