Cruel Tide

My relationships with certain people are weird.

I'm not a naturally friendly person, and I come off as aloof to most people who meet me for the first time. The usual first-impressions I get are either tahimik or mataray. I'm getting mataray more frequently now, especially here in the office, and usually among the males. I don't really mind.

Over the years, I've learned that being too openly nice gets one into trouble sometimes (Please see my Good Guys Finish Last entry). I guess my outlook in life has changed ever since I started working. I've become jaded and guarded...and, well...bitchy.

Once you get past that mataray persona, though, you 'll see that I'm actually very easy to get along with. Really. I'll listen when you need me to listen; I'll tell jokes when you're in need of a laugh (My joke delivery skills have improved since college, I swear! Or so they say...); and I'll protect you fiercely when others have come to prey.

Ideal as that may all sound, I must admit that a friendship with me is very hard to maintain. Neglect me for too long, and the icy layer that has taken a while to thaw will freeze over again. Hmmm. Or maybe it all really depends on the friend. Or maybe it all really depends on me!

Maybe there are some friends that are meant to stay forever; and then some who are just there for the short run. There are friends whom I would give my best efforts to keep close ties with; and some that I just allow to drift away.

In the course of my life, I've had several friends who have been close to me at one time or the other. But there are only a few people who have remained close to me over the years. Close in a sense that I still feel comfortable with them even if I haven't seen them in months (or years). Close in a sense that I did not allow them to drift away, even if the tide was strong.

I wonder now, how come I didn't try to prevent the tide of time from taking them all away? Why just a select few? Is that the reason why I hold new acquaintances at arm's length? Because I'm afraid that they could come too close, only to be whisked away by the tide again?

What's my point?

Past friends have been lovely. Though it's hard to bring back old camaraderie, nostalgia is always a warm feeling. Future friends are always welcome. Present friends are a blessing. And I'm hoping that I'm not daft enough to let any of you drift away. :)