Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again

Dearest MacMacky,

I miss you.

It's been (almost) 2 months since you've been gone, but I can still vividly picture you in my mind as if you're still here. Sometimes, I even half-expect to see you sleeping on the floor beside my bed, or to see you panting and slobbering everywhere. :)

It's really hard to forget you, you know. It hurts most especially in the morning as I leave for work; and at night when I get home. Up til now, my days never seem to be complete without you: No more slobbery-happy face to see me off in the mornings; no more slobbery-happy face to welcome me at night. :(

I was at Eastwood City tonight, and I got to see some people with their pet dogs, walking around the mall. I always planned to bring you there before. You would've loved to walk around and pee everywhere you wanted to. And I could just imagine you backing away from the escalator, as you were always afraid of heights. Hehe. I'm really sorry that I wasn't able to bring you there...or to Tiendesitas...or to the U.P. Acad Oval. That would've been fun, eh?

Up til now, I still cannot understand why you are gone. I admit that there are times when I am angry at God for taking you away, especially when He knew that I explicitly prayed for your long life and your health; especially when He knew how much I loved you. He's really unfair sometimes, isn't He. :(

I guess people don't understand why I still get so depressed over you. There are times during the day when I would miss you all of a sudden: fleeting moments that leave behind a large amount of pain. And the biggest factor for my depression is guilt: I still blame myself, even if everyone tells me I shouldn't. I can't help feeling this way...I'm responsible for your life; that should ultimately make me responsible for your death as well. :(

Losing 2 dogs in a span of one month doesn't exactly put me in the best light. People either think that I am very unfortunate, and they will sympathize with me; or they think that I did not do a very good job of taking care of you and Petunia. It breaks my heart when people say "Baka naman di mo inaalagaan" (and there are people who have said that to my face). I get hurt because it undermines my love for the 2 of you, and because I'm afraid that some part of it might be true; that maybe it's my fault that you and Petunia are gone.

:'(
*sigh*

Macmackyboyboyboyboy, there are SO many things that I want to say to you: I'm sorry. I wish you were here. I miss you. I love you. I hope you and Petunia are happy there in doggie heaven. I hope you have enough shoes to chew, and enough trees to pee on. :) I hope you know that I did try to take care of you the best way I could...

I hope that someway, somehow, you could hear all of these thoughts running through my head, and that you could understand them. I'm sure that you and Pretty Petunia are in a better place because you are such good good doggies. :) Mmmwah. Amishoo.

Wish that you could've spent this New Year's with us. You'd probably be hiding under your chair, and Petunia would probably be barking up a frenzy...but at least you'd be there.